The show starts with a montage to get us nostalgic about the morning and afternoon before Wednesday night’s live results show. Shots of the ladies getting glamorous. They’ve come so far, y’all. Guyeeeez, remember when we said goodbye to Janelle Arthur? It seems like so long ago, I can only remember it in black and white.
The judges have arrived. Mariah Carey is in a short, sparkly dress that hopefully, won’t keep her from giving standing ovations. Nicki Minaj is keeping it skintight in some white pants and a bright red leather coat. Randy Jackson is, no lie, wearing pink blazer. He’s in it to win it tonight. Keith Urban is dreamy as usual. What else is new?
Ryan Seacrest promises that a secret twist is going to create some drama tonight. Remember how American Idol went to visit sick kids at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles? Well, in case you don’t, there’s some footage to remind you of how charitable this franchise is.
And now, the ladies are all performing the Alicia Keys song “Girl On Fire” and the stage looks like it’s exploding with fake blood. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the intended effect, but since I’m sick and twisted, I love it.
OMG, American Idol, enough with the Carley Rae Jebsen Coca-Cola song. We get it. Premiere the damn thing already.
We return with more brazen product placement with the Ford Fiesta. And, I have to say, these four ladies are definitely talented singers, but this isn’t called American Actor for a reason. Also, might I add, these ladies totally would have been shredded on America’s Next Top Model for their clunky on-air announcement in which they pretend to cover for Ryan on the teleprompter.
We next see a segment called Five Things In 20 Seconds that is supposed to give us a cute glimpse into the personalities of the four remaining ladies. I’m wondering why the audience is applauding at the news that Kree was bitten by a snake.
Ryan then pulls Amber Holcomb aside for a look back her performance last night. Jimmy Iovine‘s appraisal includes a monologue about how crazy the song “MacArthur Park” is. Randy shakes his fist at this, looking super intimidating in his pink blazer and brooch. Now, it’s Kree’s turn to be reminded of how she did last night. Jimmy agrees with Keith that she didn’t have the emotional connection she needed. He’s not pulling any punches.
It’s time for the first guest performance, by Stefano Langone, who finished in seventh place on the 10th season of American Idol. He’s awfully adamant about how excited he is to be surrounded by girls. He’s here to perform his single “Yes To Love,” which he does while looking quite handsome.
Candice gets pulled aside to hear how she did last night according to Jimmy. His critique is basically for her to speak less. I feel that’s a critique that works well for almost any situation. We also get reminded about how Jimmy nearly got choked by Nicki the night before. This is the most exciting thing to happen on Idol for a while. In this diversion, we completely forget this is supposed to be about Candice.
Next, Candice gets treated to an audio message from Drake, who says he was honored to hear her sing his song. Drake then emerges on stage and Candice and the other girls look ready to throw their panties at him immediately. I have to admit, it’s pretty cute when every single contestant lines up to get a hug. Nobody gets this excited when Ryan shows up on stage.
It’s time for another performance! Lee Dewyze tells his happy story about how he won American Idol and married a model. His life is great now, guys. Lee performs his single “Silver Lining” and I am prompted to start the hashtag #GiantBackupSingerInaLittleVest. And good lord, who doesn’t sound like Mumford and Sons these days?
Next up is Angie Miller, who pretty much killed it last night. I’m confident she’s going to be in the top spot tonight. Jimmy agrees with an emphatic series of eye blinks. Then, Ryan separates the girls into two pairs. Amber goes to one side and then Angie goes to the opposite. Kree then joins Angie and Candice joins Amber. Then, we cut to break to find out what the hell this pairing means.
We find out that Candice and Amber are the bottom two. I’m completely shocked. I thought the top two would be Angie and Candice. Then, we find out that no one is leaving tonight.
“What’s the effing point?” my friend Meredith, who does not watch the show, suddenly asks. (I’m watching the show at her apartment, BTW.) Then Ryan explains something confusing about combining votes. Long story short, we’ll get to see the four ladies again. All four of the top ladies will live to sing another day!