Thursday allowed us to see some highlights to remind how each contestant fared, as well as performances from season 10 Idol runner-up Lauren Alaina and Alicia Keys. Additionally, this episode featured the world premiere of the silliest music video ever, AKA Mariah’s new song with Miguel, “#Beautiful.” Somehow, all of this managed to fill an entire hour before, at the final possible second, we learned who the two Season 12 finalists are.
And with that, we start with a promo for Epic and I’m already annoyed. I can only imagine how much filler is going to be packed into tonight’s episode. The judges sashay out to their places, Nicki giving straight Naomi Campbell with her catwalking. I really hope all this talk about her leaving the show is BS. They better throw more money at her, if that’s what it takes. If she weren’t on, I’d be asleep right now. Having dreams about Keith Urban.
Ryan Seacrest teases Randy about the news that he’s no longer continuing with the show. Hmm. If that barnacle is finally jumping ship, I wonder what this means for future of Idol.
The three ladies take to the stage for the first musical number, and already there are some serious technical difficulties as none of their mics appear to be working for the first words of the song. Once the glitch is remedied, we hear that it’s a trio of the Selena Gomez song, “Who Says.” To that, I say, “Who says you need sound to hear someone sing?” As it turns out, everyone.
Cue the Ford Fiesta commercial. This particular mission is beyond pointless. The three ladies meet with a high school choir and Angie waxes nostalgic about her years as a student, which I’m guessing ended mere weeks ago. They sing with the choir and it’s all very underwhelming.
Back to Ryan torturing the ladies on the couch as they are forced to watch highlights from Wednesday night’s performances. We see how everyone did in the first round and then we hear from crazy-gesturing Jimmy Iovine that he chose challenging songs for each girl. He gives toothy Angie that round for her performance of “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.”
Next up is former contestant and country singer Lauren Alaina, with her single, “Barefoot And Buckwild.” She’s definitely grown up quite a bit since her last time on Idol, when she was a mere 15 years old. She looks like a very sexed-up black and white cookie. Ryan then announces that season 13 auditions are opening a week after the finale. Seriously? Is this show still going on after that? Well, I’ll be there to recap this shit, in case anyone’s asking.
We get a highlights montage of the second round of songs, which was judges’ choice. Jimmy thinks the combo of Kree’s home visit and her emotional performance that had her win that round.
Mariah looks great tonight in her red dress. We’re treated to an aside of her teaching the ladies a little something about music videos. This naturally segues into the premiere of her new music video. It is has Mariah being sexy on a motorcycle and then being sexy in a barn full of chandeliers. Mariah’s version of dancing is her alternating between play fighting her hair and play fighting the hem of her dress. Then, she literally twirls for about a minute. Twirl, you fantasy dolphin princess. Twirl! A regular Kenya Moore, this one. That said, I like the song.
Next, we get reminded that Adam Lambert is doing well since his time one American Idol. That man sure knows how to do a head whip. This leads into a performance by Alicia Keys. The judges will be happy to see her at the piano. Take note, Angie.
Reminder footage of how the ladies did for the round three performances, the producers’ choice. Candice got a wholehearted endorsement from Jimmy for her rendition of “Somewhere.”
Finally, Ryan tells us the results. We find out first that the first person going to the finale is Candice, to the surprise of absolutely no one. She seriously needs to win this whole thing. Ryan throws it to a commercial before we find out who remains to compete with her.
We’re back and the lights dim again and we learn that Kree is continuing on to duke it out with Candice. Wow. I absolutely love seeing Kree mouth to Candice, “Holy shit! Holy shit!” We see the montage of Angie’s journey as she’s gone, gone, gone. For the last time, Angie takes the stage to sing and she is sobbing so badly, she can barely get it out. She rallies, but this is really quite cruel. Oh my God, someone make it stop. Thankfully, her family and Kree and Candice and the judges run up to hug her.
And with that, there are two. I can’t believe how close we are to the end. Luckily, though, I’m almost done editing my nostalgic montage of me drinking wine on my couch, yelling at the TV while “Gone, Gone, Gone,” plays in the background.
See ya next week!