Heartbreakers, Dark Ladies & Atomic Bombs: 11 Sexy Animated Music Video Singers
Any discussion of music video animation must begin — and rightly so — by invoking “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits. but do you really want to boink any of them? (Quiet, Mom.)
Today, class, we’re focusing on music videos where lead singers are animated…and sexy as hell! (Deemed ineligible, but fabulous, are stop-motion animation and bands where the members are already animated.) Here, for your prurient perusal, is the definitive list of the sexiest cartoon versions of lead singers, from nottest to hottest.
11. George Michael – “Shoot the Dog”
Is there anything sexy about heavy-handed political commentary? No? How about George Michael drawn as Marge Simpson? Still no? Well, what about Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou wearing a leopard-print thong while trying to seduce Cherie Blair? No? Did we mention Tony Blair and George W. Bush indulge in sock puppetry and puppy play? Ladies & Gentlemen: the best of George Michael!
10. Junior Senior – “Move Your Feet”
A pixel fetishist’s dream come true, this clip’s sexiest moment showcases Senior (in champagne bottle form) homo-erotically spurting foam all over Junior (in wine glass form). Or maybe it’s when Senior and Junior (in ketchup and mustard form) simultaneously squirt all over a disturbingly eager hot dog? Or perhaps when Senior and Junior get naked while urging viewers to do the same, which sends a cartoon duck into a feather-flapping frenzy? Hmmm. Maybe somebody SHOULD have stopped the beat…
9. Madonna – “Dear Jessie” and “Who’s That Girl”
Unless treacly lyrics and animated pink elephants do it for you, there ain’t much sexiness going on here. In fact, cartoon fairy Madge looks so damn wholesome, it’s difficult to believe that this is the same woman who nearly red-velvet-bed-writhed Pope John Paul II off to the depths of the Vatican. (Although she’s quite charming channeling Betty Boop here.) Still: Madonna willing to be playful, fun and a bit silly? Now that’s hot.
8. Britney Spears – “Break the Ice”
“It’s been a while…” since Britney looked as lithe and formidable as her karate-kicking, glass-shattering animated self does here. (Bonus: you don’t have to stare into her real-life dead eyes and feel guilty!) Anime becomes you, Brit. Although, leaving us hanging on a “To Be Continued…” cliffhanger? Tease.
7. Cher – “Dark Lady”
Although the song’s narrator is depicted as a babydoll blonde, we all know that Cher’s spirit animal is totally the titular gypsy, tramp and (man-)thief. Not only is Cher…I mean…“Dark Lady” introduced “brushing her cat in her black limousine,” she spends most of the video strutting back and forth while administrating a breast self-exam. Your move, Darling Nikki.
6. Mariah Carey – “Heartbreaker”
One of Mimi’s two chart-toppers with “Genius Of Love” DNA running through its butterfly veins (more on that later), this movie theater-set masterpiece features a cartoon Mariah interlude where the ultra-curvy, incredibly alluring Ani-Mimi rocks a flawless Veronica Lake peekaboo and a Jacuzzi bikini. It makes us want to start a pillow fight real bad!
5. The Killers – “Miss Atomic Bomb”
Dear Brandon “Flamingo” Flowers: what gifted artist is responsible for capturing those flawless, supernaturally sexy good looks? We’re booking a flight to Vegas right now!! Oh, and the cartoon version’s not bad either.
4. Tom Tom Club – “Genius Of Love”
This video’s vibrant pop art animations don’t try to make Tom Tom Club/Talking Heads diva Tina Weymouth and her sisters Laura and Lani overtly sexy — for oversized suits’ sake, they aren’t even given feet! Still, it’s pretty damn hot that these ladies start the song locked up in the slammer, breathlessly anticipating all the “fun, natural fun” they’ll be having upon their release. Cold prison bars, hot flesh…ah, who doesn’t fondly remember summer camp?
3. Kanye West – “Heartless”
Tormented by the unfaithfulness of several colorfully lipsticked women, La West instead turns his erotic fixation to a sexy painting of Rosie, the robotic maid from The Jetsons…because Yeezus. Although the KanyeKartoon’s Cosby sweater doesn’t necessarily scream, “SEX!” you know that Rosie did. After all, she’s programmed to be down for anything.
2. a-ha – “Take On Me”
The ultimate animated video of all time, there’s no denying how Euro-smokin’ the cartoon and real-life forms of lead singer Morten Harket are. (Now here’s a guy to leave your 3-D plane of existence for!) So hot is he that even a cartoon wrench to the elaborate architecture of his 1980s hair can’t dent his skull…or his appeal. Best of all is the end, where he thrashes and slams against the walls and floor until he thrusts himself, sweaty and sated, fully into reality. (So that’s how Madonna did it!)
1. Mark Ronson featuring Lily Allen – “Oh My God”
As hot as Mark is himself, it’s even sexier to watch him lusting over a cartoon Lily Allen, channeling a new-wave-grime Jessica Rabbit. (Squint and the AllenToon resembles a plesiosaur with teal eyeshadow; get into it and you’ll see she’s definitely a grad of Cool World U — Lily would if she could…and you get the feeling she does, frequently). Any doubts as to what Allen’s looking for are quickly allayed when she sucks down a full glass of soda with a straw in front of the salivating Kaiser Chiefs. Oh, my God indeed!