‘Glee’ Recap: It’s All About Sex, Mercedes’ Virginity & Artie’s Clap In “Tested”
Once again, the Glee kids are tackling a weighty issue because God forbid they keep it light. Every single storyline focuses on sex and how the characters either feel about having it or not having it, as the case may be. For all the talk about doing the nasty, we never actually see anybody getting it on, alas. But, I digress. So, let’s talk about what we do see.
The episode starts with some bizarre, black and white, WWII-style newsreel footage. It’s a public service announcement about STDs. It features all the Glee boys dressed as sailors. This oddity sets the tone for the rest of the show.
In a super cheerful voiceover, Blaine (Darren Criss) gushes about how he’s basically eating his way through the city. It culminates with him admitting to an addiction to cronuts. The bottom line is that Blaine’s getting pudgy. Or, at least, he’s pooching out his six pack and we see his pants split.
Artie’s (Kevin McHale) own voiceover tells us that he’s so popular at film school because he’s dating three artsy girls, but Julie’s the one he really likes. Then, we see him in the editing room with Julie, as he has her help him make his blatant ripoff of American Beauty. It’s tiresome, but we struggle through. As an homage to Artie’s poonhound status, he then sings Robert Palmer‘s “Addicted To Love.” They have a moment in the editing room and Artie asks her out, but Julie tells him she doesn’t date coworkers. Smart girl.
As a result of his newfound compulsive eating, Blaine furiously inhales a bag of Cheetos at NYADA’s workout room (?) while watching Kurt (Chris Colfer) get fawned over by other dudes.
Mercedes (Amber Riley) and Sam (Chord Overstreet) make out and they get hot and heavy until Sam suggests they have sex. She then confesses she’s a virgin and wants to wait. This leads to Sam at dinner with Artie, Kurt and Blaine. He asks for a recommendation for a clinic to get an STD test.
Suddenly, Artie is at the doctor’s office hearing the news that he has chlamydia. He freaks out. Back at the loft, he confesses it to the guys. We learn that he doesn’t use condoms. Sam is outraged. Artie’s face drops when he learns he has to tell the girls he has chlamydia. Artie tells the first of the girls and she freaks out and dumps him. The next girl, Jessica, is shockingly mature about it and heads to the free clinic to get tested. Conveniently, at that moment, Julie appears to say she changed her mind and wants to date him.
About to walk into Mercedes’ church, Sam shows her his clean bill of health. They go inside and sit in a pew. The charismatic preacher mesmerizes Sam and he is doubly floored when Mercedes gets up to sing Foreigner‘s “I Want to Know What Love Is.”
In fencing class, Kurt shows off his bare chest while Blaine hides his alleged chub. Back at the apartment, they have a weird conversation about dinner and agree to go on a movie date. Kurt goes to look up showtimes on Blaine’s computer and stumbles across a porn site Blaine was perusing. This, of course, leads to an argument. Kurt storms out because they haven’t been having sex. This show just keeps taking one weird turn after another.
Mercedes and Rachel (Lea Michele) have a conversation about Rachel’s first time having sex, with Finn (Cory Monteith). The scene is pretty uneventful, but we get to see these two being buds.
Back in fencing class, Kurt’s still mad at Blaine. To the tune of Pat Benetar‘s “Love Is A Battlefield,” they duke it out. They continue to fight and things get heated. From there, Mercedes and Sam turn up at the Spotlight diner. Kurt’s their server but steps away when Artie and Julie arrive for dinner and seats them. Throughout his date, Artie is preoccupied with his chlamydia. He immediately tells Julie that they should wait 7 to 10 days before having sex. Wow, that’s some serious game, Artie. No wonder the ladies are throwing themselves at him.
Sam and Mercedes then launch into her version of Janet Jackson’s ’80s ballad “Let’s Wait A While.” Artie joins in the song. Julie seems like she is wildly uncomfortable until she suddenly joins in the singing. Guys, whenever I’m on a Tinder date and the guy’s getting a little too frisky, I always find it effective to start crooning this little ditty. #BonerKiller
Back in the apartment, Mercedes and Sam make out and stop to have yet another conversation about sex. She confesses that she wants to wait until she’s married. Mercedes is insane. Have we learned nothing from Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey? Sam walks off, disappointed.
Meanwhile, things are quite tense between Kurt and Blaine. They argue and Blaine says he feels like Kurt doesn’t need him any more. Blaine admits the he’s feeling insecure and doesn’t want Kurt to outgrow him. It ends with a tearful hug.
Randomly, Artie admits to Julie that he has chlamydia. He then admits that he slept with a bunch of girls. He says he just want to be honest. She’s understandably grossed out. He had no responsibility to tell her this. Ugh, this is so stupid. Kids, please take note.
Mercedes arrives at the apartment to find it filled with candles and Sam waiting in the living room. He gives her a speech about how he is willing to wait. They’re going to see if they can make this work. Later, she tells Rachel, who happens to mention in passing that she and Sam had a fleeting flirtation. Rachel admits that she’s not yet ready to date again.
Back at another all-boys dinner, Blaine’s doing some weird cleanse. Artie says he’s going to give up being “a film school player.” So the moral of the story is, nobody’s getting laid. Not now, not ever.
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