‘I Can Do That’ Recap: Nicole Scherzinger Splits Her Way to Beat Ciara & Joe Jonas

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After six weeks of grueling training and sometimes dangerous antics on stage, Nicole Scherzinger emerged as the winner of the NBC reality TV competition show, I Can Do That. Six celebrity contestants, including Joe Jonas, Cheryl Burke, Jeff Dye, Alan Ritchson, Ciara and Nicole, each learned new acts to perform each week in order to win points. Up until this finale episode, we had no idea for what those points were redeemable until host Marlon Wayans revealed the esteemed I Can Do That trophy, which is surely worth it’s weight in tin foil.

Still wearing a bandage for an unexplained hand injury, Marlon is jovial as usual, but taking less jabs at the performers and the show in general, much to my dismay (maybe he’s grown sentimental in this final week). In any case, he explains some additional rules in this last episode that includes talk of a celebrity contestant super group. This adds to my confusion about the points system in this final hour. In any case, all you need to know it that there is no way in hell Ciara ever had a chance of winning, poor thing.

First up are Cheryl and Nicole with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. In rehearsal for the millionth time, the “Fight On” singer pretends that even though what she’s learning is technically dancing, it’s not the same as ballroom dancing, guys. Pussycat Doll Nicole also really hams up how difficult the choreography is for her. In the second day of training, the ladies learn stunts. Badass Nicole does a terrible job pretending she’s not totally going to nail this sh*t. After dealing with whizzing arrows and being swung around on rollerskates, she really struggles to make this look dangerous. For their final training day, the ladies are finally handed their pom poms.

Stepping out for their live studio audience performance, the two once again deliver a solid performance. Cheryl’s stunt is a twist in the air and Nicole gives another crowd pleasing spread of the legs when she does a split in the air. That’s my girl!

Now, we remember that Jeff and Joe got to work with Snoop Dogg in preparation to give their own mini-concert. When they meet him, the rapper advises them simply: “Ain’t nothing to it but to do it.” Five minutes after arriving, we see the two boys looking stoned and giggly. Rehearsing with Snoop, the guys learn that they’ll be performing his ubiquitous song with Pharrell, “Beautiful.”

After it becomes apparent Jeff can’t sing, Snoop assigns him the rap — which we all knew he was going to do from the beginning. Joe immediately nails the singing part. Then, dramatic twist! Snoop won’t be performing with them. Instead, they’ll be joined on stage with Doug E. Fresh. Through every day of rehearsal, Jeff clings to the piece of paper with his lyrics written on it. The legendary beatboxer tells the camera, “I think Jeff’s biggest challenge is going to be able to master the flow over the track.” Translation: his biggest challenge will be rapping, which is basically all he was assigned to do in this performance. To his credit, Jeff looks adorably hapless, so you know it’s going to be entertaining either way.

For the live show, Jeff introduces himself as “J Dizzle,” accompanied by his buddy “Double J” AKA Joe Jonas. Doug E. Fresh joins them and kicks things off with a killer beat box. From there, Joe kills the falsetto and Jeff proceeds to rap in the most charmingly goofy way imaginable. He somehow managed to memorize the lyrics in the final moments before going on stage and I declare myself thoroughly entertained. Everyone’s impressed, including Ciara who’s rocking head-to-toe gold lamé.

The third pair is Ciara and Alan, who were saddled with the weirdo leftover act at the end of the last episode called Tell-A-Vision. The creator of Tell-A-Vision explains that this act is “wireless TV monitors that dancers move with to create different stories.” Oh, OK. That sounds clear enough. Putting on a good face, Ciara starts to practice with Alan and does her best to pretend she’s into it. We get a peek of the singer in a red bathing suit. At least she gets to show off that body, which is kind of her only hope at this point. I have to say, Ciara teetering on stage in heels and an afro on the final training day is kind of the best. She clearly knows she’s not going to win and bursts charmingly into laughter every time they mess up, which is a lot.

For the live act, the scene starts with Ciara and Alan in an office. The television screens suggest a transition to the beach, where suddenly, they’re quick-changed into beach gear, with Ciara in a Baywatch-style red swimsuit and ladies and gents, her body is stupid. Then, they’re in a car and it’s hilarious and weird. You can tell they barely know what’s happening. Presto-change-o and now, Ciara is in a sparkly purple dress and afro, with Alan in an afro too. It’s so incredibly dumb that I actually love it. Their only hope is that her slamming body combined with technological whimsy is enough to win over America.

For the second half of the show, our celebrity contestants deliver a performance based on the skills they learned all season. Cheryl, Ciara and Jeff comprise the first super group. They reminisce about the season. Their trio performance will be a combination of the Pilobolus, salsa dancing, double-dutch jumprope and Harlem Globetrotters tricks. Ciara says in the gravest voice possible, “This week is gonna be turnt up,” to which I soberly reply, “Ain’t nothing to it but to do it.”

Some silhouetting behind screens segues into a short salsa bit. From there, they launch into jump roping. There’s so much happening, it’s hard to keep track. From there, Jeff does his favorite thing, which is spinning a basketball on his finger. They end the whole thing with basketball dribbling tricks and get a standing ovation. This show is so silly.

The second super group consists of Nicole “Splitsville” Scherzinger, Joe and Alan. We’re treated to a montage of all the physical abuse Alan’s sustained over the season. These three will be performing an act that features an aerial act, martial arts and Blue Man Group stuff. But the real question is, will there be splits?

It starts with the drum performance, which quickly launches into Joe throwing marshmallows into Alan’s mouth. This is definitely going to end up on some kind of marshmallow fetish porn minutes after it airs. They transition seamlessly into a martial arts display into which Nicole throws a quick splits.

The finale is the aerial component that has the contestants dangling from the ceiling with fire shooting into the air at various crucial intervals. It’s now that I realize Nicole could market the shit out of a perfume called “Fire and Abs.” Can’t be any worse than Miami Glow!

Then, the moment arrives that America has kind of been waiting for. That is, as soon as we learned last week that this week was the finale. The audience votes reveal that Ciara once again landed in third place with Alan. She does not look remotely surprised, but takes it in good spirits. Then, we see that first place goes, deservedly to badasses Cheryl and Nicole. Jeff and Joe land in second place. At this point, it’s basically Cheryl versus Nicole, which is no surprise here. Those two nailed it all season long.

As it turns out, all of Nicole’s splits paid off and she goes home with the top prize and probably a mild concussion.