‘American Horror Story: Hotel’ Recap: Chutes & Ladders Isn’t A Kid’s Game

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If one was to ask me WTF happened during last night’s (October 14) episode of American Horror Story: Hotel, I would have to think long and hard about what I just watched. But here I am again, recapping yet another off-the-wall and confusing episode!

At this point, the series is known for taking it there — and with an almost two hour-long episode, they definitely packed in as much crude sex and explicit savagery. I mean, the show opened up with The Countess’ (a.k.a. Lady Gaga) creepy platinum blonde-haired children sucking the blood from that tourist’s wrists from last week. And they had the audacity to complain about how “gross” it tasted — duh, she’s dead! Ugh, ungrateful kids these days…

Mother Monster once again became the star of the episode, as it read more like a glamorous music video than a horror show. But can we just take a moment to applaud her stylist, because these looks (that flowing red dress, those Swarovski-studded chainmail gloves, the white feathered hat) continue to echo yelps of “YASSSS GAGA, SLAY MAMA!!”

The Countess also finds herself in a twisted love triangle, as a sulky model named Tristan Duffy (Finn Wittrock) captures her eye — or her nose rather (his rage apparently smells like copper). She soon turns him into her own vampire minion and teaches him the blood-sucking rules: “If you’re smart. You can be immortal. The beauty of the virus is you never age. You now have a super charged immune system,” she whispers. As you can imagine, Donovan (Matt Bomer) is not happy about the new vampire on the block possibly taking his place.

From stealing the fashion show to flashbacks of her Studio 54 disco days (did you catch that “I Want Your Love” promo?), The Countess, who we learn is a vampire that was born in 1904, is quickly becoming the most alluring bloodsucker around.

Pushing aside the unnecessary pop culture references that proves AHS: Hotel takes place in modern day (seeing Kendall Jenner at Coachella and binge-watching House Of Cards Ryan Murphy is definitely trying way too hard), we actually have — gasp! — an actual backstory!

We are introduced to Evan Peters‘ character Mr. James March, who is becoming the most batsh*t crazy person in the show thus far. March is revealed to be the one who built Hotel Cortez in 1925 and is an unapologetic serial killer — just call him the 10 Commandment Killer! Give him a hammer and he’ll have no issue with bashing it in your skull! Or if you preferred to be slashed while climaxing during sex, he can do that too. Kudos to the hotel maid Miss Evers, who has been cleaning up March’s disgusting bloody messes since day one. She is a true ride-or-die chick!

But I’m hoping the plot truly kicks in for episode three. Sure, we love (or cringe at) the intense blood and gore — but let’s not forget the “story” portion of the series that had people watching in the first place. Next week’s teaser features Angela Bassett (finally!) who definitely has the means to turn things up a few notches!

Did you enjoy this latest episode of AHS: Hotel? Let us know below, or by hitting us up on Facebook and Twitter!