Highlights From Episode 8:

- Finally, this moment is here, the night that millions of Americans have been waiting for. That's right—only one week until Veronica Mars returns! In the meantime, there's some show on about searching for a cat toy or something.

-To fill up time, the producers front-load the show with clips reminding us in which pigeonhole the final three girls belong. Chelsea = former fatty; Asia = current mommy; Melissa R. = completely forgettable. It makes us realize (sadly) that there really was no need to watch the previous seven episodes.

- Robin Antin congratulates the girls on making the final three, then pauses, before offering this further observation: "It's weird right? There's only three of you." Our guess? She was counting during the pause.

- As a group, the girls are assigned "Lady Marmalade." Individually, each girl will perform various Pussycat Doll songs, including "I Don't Need A Man," "Feeling Good," and "Stickwitu." Apparently, "You Ain't My Pal(imony)" and "Sorry, Eye-Lash At You, Girl" were taken.

- The girls have a huge blow-out at four in the morning over we're not quite sure what, and all the drama is captured on night-vision cameras. Melissa R. tells Asia to go to anger management, while Asia tells Melissa R. "to go to psychology and find out who she is." Dang! Actually, just "dang."

- Asia and Melissa R. go at it (again) during dance rehearsals the next day, and it strikes us that the only one way to solve this problem is to have a dance-off. But no, the girls make nice in the end, so that their performances don't suffer. Still, you have to admit a dance-off would have been pretty awesome.

- At the final performance, all three girls handle their songs impressively, although Melissa R. cracks her "Lady Marmalade" notes a bit. During the deliberations, the judges dub Chelsea "a chameleon," Melissa R. "special and unique," and Asia "a star." We go on thesaurus.com to find another word for "under-underwhelmed."

- Robin gets teary-eyed and congratulates all three on finding their inner Pussycat Doll, but then swiftly ejects Chelsea from the competition, leaving Asia and Melissa R. Chelsea heads off to the side and presumably cracks open a package of Ho-Ho's.

- And the winner is....Asia! Mark McGrath removes her boa (and his dignity), and hands Asia a microphone as the Pussycat Dolls arrive to perform with their newest member. Dontcha wish you had never bothered with this show? Dontcha?

Highlights From Episode 5:

- This week, the four remaining contestants learn that being a Pussycat Doll is more than singing and dancing: It's also about being a celebrity. Apparently, being a celebrity means being recognized on the street as "the leggy redhead from that slutty pop group."
- Robin Antin's sole advice to the girls on being in the public eye: "You can't be in some funky mood." Unless you are confident/creative/sexy about your funkiness, then it's fair game.
- This week's "celebrity" challenge involves filming a deodorant commercial, posing for a photo shoot and being interviewed by EXTRA and Next Doll host Mark McGrath. Interestingly enough, none of the girls take this opportunity ask McGrath what it was like when he used to be a celebrity.
- Asia wins the challenge, which means that her deodorant commercial will run on national television. Serendipitously, it runs on the CW! During this week's show! Synergy = sexy!
- For the elimination performance this week, the girls will do a group dance routine based on the PCD's "Beep" video, which seems to involve humping the air in an epileptic fit. Chelsea's nervous because she's not that great of a dancer -something that Robin, Melissa S., and Mikey the choreographer remind her of every few minutes. Maybe they're testing her confidence?
- In addition to the "Beep" dance, for the first time, each girl will handle a solo song. During rehearsals, Melissa R. wrestles with Mary J., while Melissa S. can't quite seem to pin down Norah Jones. Actually, watching those girls literally wrestle together would make for much more interesting television than this show.
- Awkward Product Placement Alert: Mark McGrath interviews the winner of a Double Stuf Oreo contest where the person who licks the most Oreos wins $30,000 for charity. Weirdly, this probably isn't the first time Mark McGrath has uttered the phrase, "Final lick race for charity. That's my kind of contest." Ew.
- At the elimination performance, everyone's prediction sort of comes true: Chelsea is only a good dancer, not great, but Robin is impressed with her improvement. Melissa R. delivers an "almost flawless" version of Mary J. Blige's "I'm Going Down" (and sports a sequined-brimmed fedora), and Asia manages to finally impress judge/producer Ron Fair with her vocals on JoJo's "Too Little Too Late."
- The final two comes down to so-so dancer Chelsea and so-so singer Melissa S. In the end, Robin sends Melissa S. home, but not before pronouncing her "Cher" and reminding her fellow judges that she is "really good at casting Pussycat Dolls." Maybe someone should give her own show about that.

Earlier: Cat Scratch Fever Archives

Highlights from Episode 4: "Dancin' With The Dolls"

- Anastacia gets kinda huffy when Chelsea makes fun of her eating habits—just one of the many small-scale tiffs that the producers try to exaggerate into something big. Next week: Asia totally borrows one of Melissa R.'s day-glo shoelaces! Oh shnap!

- The Pussycat Dolls appear via tape, reminding the contestants that the group's slogan is "Sassy, but classy." Which is much better than "Skankful, but thankful."

- The girls are told they'll be performing with the Pussycat Dolls "on national TV," even though it's for CD USA, which is really neither national nor TV.

- Out of the five girls, only four of them will be allowed to dance with the Dolls. But after yet another rump-rattling rehearsal montage, both Anastacia and Chelsea are cut. It's like, a plot twist? Kind of like in that movie, Mentos?

- Melissa R. reveals that she wears boob pads, and fourteen-year-old chronic masturbators everywhere hang their heads in silence. For about three seconds.

- Awkward Product Placement No. 1: During one of those commercial-breaks-that-aren't-really-commercial-breaks, Mark McGrath shills for Caress' Exotic Oil Infusion body wash. Why does this guy put up with this crap? Is he really being hurt that badly by illegal downloads of 14:59?

- Awkward Product Placement No. 2: After performing on CD USA, the girls are given free watches. Thankfully, they find time to name-check the brand name and talk about how awesome they are.

- For the next elimination round, the five contestants must perform a medley of songs from the burlesque era. This gives Robin Antin about thirteen opportunities to remind us that she founded the Pussycat Dolls. Her motto? "Thuggy, but pluggy."

- During the performance, Melissa S. drops her mic in a bath-tub, Asia does that gesticulative melisma thing with her hands and Lil' Kim loves everyone to pieces. But someone's gotta go, and so fourteen-foot-tall Anastacia is asked to hang up her gigantic pink feather boa and head home.

Cat Scratch Fever [Archive]

Highlights from Episode 4: "Vegas, Baby"

- Anastaacia—who's like 5' 11" and 125 pounds or something—says that she's overweight, a remark that gives every member of the show's teenage-girl viewership an instant eating disorder.

- Chelsea seizes upon Anastacia's comment to remind us yet again that she used to be fat: "It was my chubby little Vietnam, people!"

- Dolls manager Jeff Haddad is brought to the house, where his appearance is greeted with a none-too-subtle applause track. The shrieking that commences after he announces the group is going to Vegas, however, is crazed enough to be legit.

- The girls rehearse their dance routine on a bus to Vegas, prompting Melissa S. to ask, "Who learns choreography on a moving bus? Can somebody please tell me, because clearly, I didn't get that memo." Well, we did, and it was awesome—maybe the best dance-related bus memo ever.

- Asia tries to start beef when she's asked to eat her vegetables.

- The barely dressed girls strut, slither and grind out a version of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love," fulfilling one of Marc Almond's long-time fantasies.

- The girls take lessons with vocal coach Valerie Morehouse, a woman who, after years of working with semi-talented starlets, must have the patience of a saint and the hearing of a St. Bernard.

- Melissa R. breaks into tears while performing Aerosmith's "Don't Want To Miss A Thing"; she later explains that the song reminds her of her grandmother, who looked a lot like Brad Whitford.

- The elimination comes down to Chelsea (the formerly fat girl) and Mariela (the girl with can put her legs over her head). Mariela is eliminated, but in the interest of consistency—and page views—we'll keep the above picture intact.

Cat Scratch Fever [Archive]

Highlights from Episode 3: "She Dances Like a Drag Queen"

- Asia chooses not to hang out with the other girls, opting instead to search her bible for a psalm that might help guide her decision to choose between hot pants or stockings.

- Robin Antin brings in Pussycat Dolls members Carmit to give the girls a lesson on "creativity," which involves being both funky and edgy. It's a tricky balance!

- Mariela appears to ask "What's a bridge?" while at song training. Given her singing during the last few episodes, this lack of knowledge is hardly a revelation.

- Asia claims she wants avoid drama.

- Sisely claims that Asia "dances like a drag queen," an obvious throwaway joke that causes Asia to stir up a lot of drama.

- Asia calls a sit-down chat with her group, where she announces that she used to get into fights while in high school, and once even had to go to court "for fighting, and stuff like that"; a Smoking Gun report has since indicated that the aforementioned charge was actually a 2003 citation for "excessive group-talk drama."

- The contestants squeal when they're put in a room full of some of Hollywood's best-looking male dancers, and we are reminded again of the girls' youthful naiveté.

- The girls are commissioned to perform a "creatively" sexy dance, and the CW experiences a rating spike among the desirable 14-year-old-males-whose-parents-are-distracted demographic.

- Perhaps sensing that the last few installments have been a little too girlish and shrieky, the producers up the Antin, with Robin appearing in just about every scene. Not surprisingly, this is her favorite episode yet.

- Mark McGrath introduces Lil' Kim as one of the "most successful female musical performers in history," proving why he was fired from his New Yorker fact-checking stint.

- After two so-so disco renditions, everyone is okayed for the next episode, save for Sisely and Melissa S; in the end, Melissa S. is spared, and Sisely must find another group of women to scowl at.

Cat Scratch Fever [Archive]

Highlights from Episode 3: "The Transformation"

- With only eight contestants left, the girls are given a lesson on how to develop their "persona." This is a lot like last week's "confidence" lesson, except this time, the cast members are lectured by Pussycat Dolls member Kimberly, who notes that on some days she has to wear a mohawk, and isn't that kinda crazy?

- After being assigned Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker," Sisely feels as though there's more pressure on her than on any other contestant to get the song right. This, presumably, is because she has the shortest hair, and it's really hurting her confidence.

- In order to develop a new "persona"—or, as they say in the real world, "carefully cultivated, niche-satisfying stereotype"—the girls get their hair cut by the overly confident Jonathan Antin, who is told to "rock their inner persona." He does this by taking whatever style they have now, and styling it the opposite way.

- Chelsea reminds us yet again that she used to be overweight, and that it's greatly affected her confidence. This causes even the most sympathetic FFS (Formerly Fat Syndrome) sufferers in the audience to roll their eyes.

- At the 16-minute mark, Robin Antin emits a squeal so high-pitched, it effectively wards off any approaching velociraptors—even the confident velociraptors!

- The cast is taken to a cocktail-free cocktail party in Hollywood, where the girls giggle and schmooze and presumably talk about confidence with Lil' Kim, while avoiding being sexually harassed by agents—for now.

- The girls are given the chance to record "Don't Cha" in the studio with producer/executive Ron Fair, who belts out the "freeeak like me" part with admirable white-guy gusto and confidence.

- At the final performance, the groups perform En Vogue's "Free Your Mind" and "Heartbreaker," respectively. Celebrity judge Lil' Kim makes a point of mentioning that covered "Heartbreaker," and did it better, and with more confidence. Also of note: She went to jail!

- Sisely and Jamie are the last two left for elimination, but because Jamie lacks "persona," she gets the feather-boa boot, and Sisely is spared for another episode. Next week's lesson: "Self-Esteem: Can It Build Confidence?"

Cat Scratch Fever [Archive]

Highlights from Episode 2: "The women dance in a glass box":

- The girls move into their house, which includes a giant dance room, oversized posters of the Pussycat Dolls, and a shriekatorium.

- Pussycat Dolls member Jessica brings the girls flowers, and some advice: Be confident! Also, don't blow your hot-pants budget all at once.

- During dance rehearsal, Chelsea is admonished for too much bopping, not enough popping.

- Chelsea totally thinks that Melissa S is being, like, fake? But then, ohmigod, Jamie thinks Mariela and Asia are her BFF! Everyone's thinking things about other things!

- Dance instructor Mikey minces wildly around the studio, shrieks hysterically, and wears giant frilly scarves. This guy is so lucky! How do they keep him from hitting on all the girls?

- The girls go to a Los Angeles nightclub, where they watch women dance behind giant glass panes in the middle of a room—all, of course, in the name of learning confidence.

- When the girls realize that it's their turn perform in the Bunderdome, Melissa R wonders what will happen if her priest sees her dancing in a skimpy costume, not realizing that no man over the age of fifty even knows that the CW exists.

- Lil' Kim and Geffen Records chairman Ron Fair help to judge the final round, in which the girls break up into groups to sing and dance. Melissa S is the only 24-year-old woman from Michigan not to know the lyrics to "Crazy In Love."

- Melissa S (the fake one) and Brittany (the Brittany one) are nearly cut during the elimination round. Once Brittany's name is called, she's told to hang up her giant pink boa and leave.

Cat Scratch Fever [Archive]

Highlights from Episode 1: "Eighteen contestants audition"

- After the required casting-call montage, the initial group is pared down to 18 wannabes, all of who have maddeningly similar names. How are we supposed to tell Asia, Anastacia, and Anjelia from Ewa, Mariela, and Aardvarkia?

- The girls share their compellingly heartbreaking back-stories: There's the girl who used to sleep in a car, the girl who used to be overweight, and the girl who lives in Toms River, New Jersey.

- While bonding together, the contestants share some of their more charming characteristics, such as burping like the toad in Pan's Labyrinth, and talking like 12-year-olds.

- After only a few seconds of hosting, Mark McGrath quickly McGrates.

- One of the contestants comes down with a stomach virus, and after the girls attend a Pussycat Dolls concert, two of them throw up on camera. It's hard to tell whether this was part of the storyline, or whether producers simply filmed any of the numerous concertgoers who can be found vomiting in the parking lot following a Dolls live performance.

- For the elimination round, the contestants are judged by a panel that includes choreographer Mikey Minden (who, despite being gay, is still rocking a circa-1999 chin-strap); gum-chewing, vaguely interested vocal producer Eric Dawkins; Dolls founder Robin Antin, who will no doubt find a way to insert herself into the show every four minutes; and Nicole Scherzinger, who tells one girl, "I love your essence. I love your rawness...I love you."

- The final showdown takes place on an empty soundstage that's surrounded by sick girls lying next to IV drips—sort of like A Chorus Line meets the battle scenes from Gone With The Wind.

- Half the girls are eliminated, and the winners frolic on stage with giant pink boas, a send-off that will certainly confound the show's horny-teenage-boy demo.