Idolator’s American Idolatry: Paralyzed Dads And Jack Osbourne Lookalikes
Welcome to Idolator’s American Idolatry, our episode-by-episode recap of the ratings steamroller that is American Idol. Last night’s episode was the latest in the seemingly endless parade of audition episodes; it was set in Birmingham, Ala., which went to great pains to dub itself “The Place Where Idols Are Born,” thanks to being within driving distance of two Idol winners’ hometowns.
After the jump, a look at last night’s episode, including a disappearing Paula, a young woman who seemed to have learned her verbal skills from Jennifer Tilly movies (above), and the hardest hard-luck story we’ve heard yet.
Sure, Alabama natives Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks may be Idols, but it’s not as if either of them is currently burning up the charts (anyone remember The Return?). Tonight’s episode was pretty light on the comedy, probably because Paula left halfway through–the proceedings felt kind of rushed. Our favorite contestant had to be Orlando’s Katie Bernard, a 19-year-old blonde whose speaking voice sounded like a baby’s first helium-induced gurgles; her singing voice was much deeper, if a little too over-the-top, and she made it through solely on the strength of that contrast’s ability to annoy the crap out of Simon.
Other highlights:
HARDEST-LUCK CONTESTANT: Hands down, it’s Jamie Lynn Ward, a drawly teen who’s taking care of her paralyzed-from-the-neck-down father–he found out that his now-ex-wife was cheating on him, so he shot her, and then shot himself in the neck. This, plus her pledge to buy her grandmother a house if she won, pretty much guaranteed her passage to the Hollywood round, even though her voice was kind of weak. Also, not to be indelicate, but anyone know what happened to the ex-wife?
MOST ILL-ADVISED TACTIC FOR “STANDING OUT”: Fifty-year-old clothing designer Margaret Fuller, who tried to convince the judges she was 26 by wearing an outfit made from reconstructed stuffed chickens. (Go ahead, click the link.)
THE “BEAT IT” JOKE IS WAY TOO EASY: We have a question for Diana Wallace: Why would you wear a lone pink-sequined glove and then not sing Michael Jackson?
THROWING THE INTERNET A BONE: Chris Sligh referred to himself as “Christina Aguilera in Jack Osbourne’s body” and said that his goal was to make David Hasselhoff cry. Of course, he has a blog, too, although his professed admiration for pretty much every lousy musician ever (Staind and Michael Bolton?!) cooled our enthusiasm a bit.
PAULA ABDUL OUT-OF-IT SCALE: Incomplete. She was cruising for an 8 or so out of 10–the first audition made her run around in circles behind the judges’ table, Jennifer Tilly II’s burbling forced her to her knees, and she was doing a lot of awkward chair-dancing–but then, midway through the episode, she disappeared. Or maybe she just fell into a “Coca-Cola”-induced nap under the table, and Randy and Simon decided it wasn’t worth their while to rouse her from dreamland.
American Idol [americanidol.com] Earlier: Idolator’s American Idolatry archives
