“EW” Writer Knows Famous, Influential People, Thinks Kid Rock “Rocks”

Writing about music these days can be hard. When the public’s knowledge of musicians is as celebrities rather than artists, how should a careful scribe treat them? Should we pooh-pooh the public’s philistinism and treat musicians with the seriousness they are accustomed to? Or should we use the same breathless, publicist-friendly voice you might find in Us Weekly (which is, lest we forget, the sister publication to bastion of taking-musicians-seriously Rolling Stone)? Well, EW‘s Shirley Halperin has seen the future of music writing, and it sounds an awful lot like Cindy Adams.

Here are some excerpts from her post on the EW blog about listening to Kid Rock’s new album…with Kid Rock!!!111

EW was treated to an intimate listening session at Rock’s Malibu home last week. An invitation we really couldn’t refuse, especially when paired with dinner at Malibu staple Taverna Tony’s. (The Greek restaurant is a favorite of Jennifer Aniston’s and now I understand why: the tzatziki was fantastic!) […] And sure enough, five beers (for Rock) and two cosmos (pour moi) later, I found myself riding shotgun in Rock’s classic American-made 1967 convertible something-or-other, roaring on down the Pacific Coast Highway like a scene out of Entourage.

Upon arrival at Rock’s manse by the sea, he proudly told an audience of six (myself, fellow EW writer Chris Willman, and a few influential TV bookers) that this record, tentatively titled Rock-n-Roll Jesus, is his best yet. Then the artist formerly known as Bob Ritchie lit a cigar and let it rip, kicking off with the title track, an unabashed, AC/DC-informed rocker befitting the self-anointed American Badass. But as we soon found out, these hard-driving riffs and fiery choruses were just a warm-up. The strip-club-ready “So Hot,” Rock’s chosen first single, turned out to be the album’s unapologetic, sex-fueled tipping point. It’s all meant to remind the music-buying public that this is the guy who had to balls to go from middle-finger-waving rap-metal superstar to country crossover success in just over five years, while at the same time selling around 20 million albums. Not too shabby.

And true to the more sensitive side of Rock (I sure did love that “Picture” song), the album features a ballad, a bluesy ode to Fats Domino and “going down to New Orleans” (which, Rock was quick to point out, could double as a metaphor for oral sex) and a God-loving anthem called “Amen.”

(Emphases ours, but could you tell?)

In the celestial tomes where they classify what particular kind of bad writing a given piece is, this falls into the category of “Would sound appropriate if read aloud by Quagmire from Family Guy.” Imagine him saying “All right!” after every paragraph. Doesn’t it just … feel right? And doesn’t a surprising amount of music writing fall into this catagory? Not that we want to name any blogs’ names, but …

Are we ready for the return of Kid Rock? [Popwatch]