And Now It Can Be Revealed: The Final Chapter Of Idolator’s Top 100 R&B Songs Of All Time (With My Mom)

In case you missed our earlier installments: A few months ago, Idolator’s Michaelangelo Matos sent out an e-mail to a handful of his associates with a proposition: Give me a list of your 100 favorite R&B songs. Well, those months went by and the only person to turn in a completed list was…my mother. In the final installment of Kathleen Turner’s 100 Greatest R&B Songs of All Time (with bonus YouTube links), we come to the end of the road, what we’ve all been waiting for, the moment of truth, the head-scratchingly contestable conclusion–the Top 10 greatest R&B/funk songs of all time as hand picked by my inimitable mother:

Once again, aside from cleaning up the spelling and grammar here and there (and the occasional editor’s note where applicable), I have left her musings mostly intact.

10. The Miracles – “Love Machine”

Okay this is it, all of you chicklets, the final ten. Now pay attention. Because I am now going to teach you things you will take with you for the rest of your lives. I am 12 years old and had just gotten a friendship ring from my first true love, Jimmy. And “Ooo Baby Baby” was what I wanted him to sing to me. Well, and maybe “I am just a love machine and I won’t work for anybody but you.”

(Editor’s note: My mother was clearly “advanced” at the tender age of 12. She also apparently had a time machine which she could use to learn the lyrics to hit makeout songs that would only be released almost a decade after she was 12. And then, cursed with this knowledge, she could only pine for her sixth-grade lotharios to sing electro-funk hits of the ’70s back to her. While, I dunno, sharing an Eskimo Pie or a bong rip or whatever kids did in the ’60s.)

9. Earth Wind and Fire – “Getaway”

Okay here they come again, in at No. 9 and for a good reason. So we all have to thank Maurice White. Who is, by the way, my sign. Sagittarius. Can anyone hit the notes like Philip Bailey? (Well, we know Mariah can.) Just listen to this and take these words to heart: “We’ll leave this troubled land.” My personal motto, being an Expanded Functions Dental Assistant–that means he drills ’em and I fill ’em, for clarification–is there are teeth everywhere. So I guess if I leave this troubled land, I can still get work?

(Editor’s note: Even in the promised land, she would remain a practical and frugal woman.)

8. Natalie Cole – “This Will Be”

Okay, so you don’t automatically think of Natalie as funk, but if you had seen her perform live in a glistening velvet two-piece number, like I did, you would know what I mean. She did some of her best work from 1975 to 1977–just two short years! Now, this is my darling daughter’s wedding song. If I can find her a nice boy to marry, he will have to be something special cause she is the most beautiful person in the world. After myself of course. And OK, Jess. I guess I will have to add him, too. And Natalie was not picked for her family connections, although her dad is one of the greatest.

(Editor’s note: Gee, thanks. Between the baldness genes and the cankles, any and all deformities on my part are your fault, you know.)

7. Cameo – “Word Up”

So I am with my second child–Jess is in the front of the shopping cart–at K-Mart. I have my big ’80s glasses on, knee socks, and Dr. Scholl’s orthopedic sandals. In February. Are you getting hot now? And as we are driving home listening to “Word Up,” I am so mad that I am here with these kids and not on stage with Cameo!

(Editor’s note: Among the other things that keep me up at night–nuclear war, the fate of taco-flavored Doritos, my ex-girlfriends–I can now add “I kept my mother from grinding on Larry Blackmon’s codpiece.”)

6. The Gap Band – “Early In The Morning”

Now comes the really heavy funk! Founded by the Wilson Brothers, the group’s name was conceived as a response to the Tulsa Race Riot, which was “one of the most violent racially motivated attacks in United States history” according to Wikipedia. (Click on that link and read about it!) This song made it to No. 1 on the Billboard R & B charts, and over two decades later my good pal, Romulus Kelly, was still producing hits for the band in 2005 with Charlie’s solo joint Charlie, Last Name Wilson bitch!

(Editor’s note: “Bitch”??)

5. Sly and The Family Stone – “If You Want Me To Stay”

Okay, I promised earlier in this process that I would reveal Jess’ true origin, the story of his conception. Well for years the poor thing thought he was conceived after a Sly concert, the headline act that night after Fleetwood Mac. What a great night! And I just wanted the story to be great for Jess. Well, two years ago at Christmas, Jess and his sister Sara and I were in Washington D.C., having a blast, staying at this really cool hotel. Our room was the Zebra room with bathrobes to match! While we were playing with the electronic “Whack-A-Mole” game Jess had just received from Santa–and after several Bloody Mary’s for me–I told him the truth. It was not a Sly concert. It was after a movie–the premiere of the remake of King Kong. You know, the stupid one with Jeff Bridges. After I mopped up Jess’ tears, he forgave me. I think.

(Editor’s note: At least I wasn’t conceived in the movie theater. Or behind it. As far as I know. That’s something. I guess.)

4. Teena Marie – “Lover Girl”

I saw this bad lady just two years ago in Baltimore! She is still the FUNKIEST white woman out there, even at the age of 51. You know, maybe there is still hope for me after all. Everyone in the music industry should bow down to the Lady T. She helped out all of her fellow musicians with the “Brockert Initiative,” and kudos to Teena for that!

(Editor’s note: The “Brockert Initiative,” according to our friends at Wikipedia: “Upon discovering she had been underpaid royalties for the four albums she recorded for Motown, Teena Marie decided to leave the label and later sued it for having restricted her artistic control. A law was passed as a result, The Brockert Initiative, popularly known as “The Teena Marie Law”, which set a precedent for artists seeking control of their careers by limiting the length of recording contracts.” My mom is schooling me left and right with this one.)

3. Rufus and Chaka Khan – “Tell Me Something Good”

So if I am stranded on a desert island, other than my Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, I would want Rufus and Chaka’s Stompin’ At The Savoy CD. And when the Lip Smackers and the CD were gone, I would just want someone to kill me. This is best of Rufus and Chaka, with songs written by Stevie Wonder and Bobby Womack. Buy this one! Now! If you watched the Video Music Awards on MTV, you would not have heard anything like this! These people knew how to sing for Lord’s sakes! I suffered through 17 hours of labor with Jess only to have to suffer through that on Sunday night!

(Editor’s note: I don’t know if I’ve ever heard this woman so angry as with the vitriol that was flying off of my laptop’s screen during the Video Music Awards. When Mary J. only came out to present an award, I thought my mom was going to cry and/or hurl a high heel at the TV. But then again it’s not particularly surprising, considering my mother wouldn’t cross the room to spit on Britney Spears’ weave. She once called the later work of Diana Ross “bubblegum disco shit,” so never let it be said she’s not constantly keeping it real in her own inscrutable way.)

2. Marvin Gaye – “Let’s Get It On”

So my BFF and I are working together at a dental office and every time this song would come on, no matter what the patient we were currently enduring, we would meet in the hallway and groove to this. If we hear it when apart, we still call each other and play it for each other on our cell phones. Marvin started his career with Bo Diddley–that is just about the coolest fact in this whole feature! He was sensuality all over the place!

1. Con Funk Shun – “Chase Me”

This is why this whole feature was written–this is true FUNK! Love Felton Pilate’s voice, and if any man out there can sing the words to “Love’s Train,” then he can come and get me! Now at my viewing before my funeral, I want a good wake (since I’m Irish Catholic), a great donnybrook to break out, and this song to be playing during the insanity. Of course, the people who know me know that besides all of the music and singing and drinking and raisin pie, I want to be buried above ground with my jammies on and a key inside the casket. So I can get out! Well I guess I don’t need a last will and testament because everyone on the Web now knows my last request. Just don’t screw it up, okay?

In closing, I want you all to know what a privilege and honor this has been for me. I want to thank you from deep within my (neo) soul. And you tell Jess to let me continue to educate you or I will hurt myself. I have so many more people to talk about: Sam Cooke, Fonda Rae, the Jimmy Castor Bunch, Junior Walker and the All Stars, Carl Carlton, The Capitols…the list goes on forever. It is all about the MUSIC, isn’t it? Love to all!

See you on the flip side, Kitty

P.S. The MTV video awards sucked and it makes me sad that so many good artists are not being recognized. Let us work on that, okay? WE HAVE THE POWER!