Hard Rock Park: Love All, Serve Those Who Are Taller Than 5’4″

The Guardian today reminds us of the looming opening date for Hard Rock Park, the South Carolina resort that will finally bring together music, overpriced fried foods, thrill rides, and, of course, souvenir T-shirts when it opens next summer. The park is going to be anchored by a Led Zeppelin-themed roller coaster and the “Mount Rockmore” sand sculpture at left, and apparently there will also be coasters honoring (sigh) “’80s music” and Southern rock, as well as a reggae-themed water area. But I can’t help but think that there are some crucial opportunities for fun that are being overlooked. After the jump, a few ideas for new rides that should, at the very least, get Kate and me in good with the park’s HR department:

Great Balls Of Fire! The Midway Game: It’s like Guitar Hero meets pyrotechnics–play your piano as fast as you can, in order to fan the flames coming out of it higher and higher. First person to singe the ceiling wins!

Billy Joel Bumper Cars: Thrill–but don’t spill–as you and your friends whipsaw around a Long Island-themed rink in vehicles shaped like pianos. Cool off afterwards at the Village Green cocktail lounge, which has an authentic Long Island deli!

“My Aim Is True” Paintball Range: Embody the “angry” young Elvis Costello as you take shots at TV screens airing that Lexus ad on infinite loop.

Name That TRL Tune: In this joint venture with MTV, guests are invited to name a popular song after hearing a five-second snippet of it that’s half-drowned out by screaming teenagers. It’s harder than you might think, especially if your hearing’s not so good!

Chris Gaines: The Ride: Sure, it looks like your basic roller coaster–but it’s actually constructed from CD copies of In the Life of Chris Gaines that were set to be landfilled!

OK, that last one sounds like it actually could happen, in an effort to keep the park “green” and all. Feel free to add your own ideas in comments!

Hard Rock Park [Official site, via Arts Blog]