“American Idol” Blazes A Purple Trail Through The ’80s

We all got hosed on those American Idol spoilers that leaked out yesterday with one exception: Danny Noriega did, in fact, sing “Tainted Love,” and he brought out the purple-streaked hair and a few well-placed hip bumps. (Perhaps he learned them from David Hernandez?) Last night’s show was sort of 1980s night, although a bunch of the songs picked were actually from decades all over the American Idol pop map. But hey, who needs specificity about dates when you’ve got one judge who thinks she’s living on Planet Zorg in the year 3.14? After the jump, my weekly ranking of last night’s top eight men, plus predictions about who’s going home.

1. Jason Castro. The more I think about his rendition of “Hallelujah” the more I think that it was a pretty ballsy performance in the American Idol context, especially with the way David Archuleta trilled and mugged his way through “Imagine” last week. I bet a lot of viewers last night thought, “I like this kid,” and that’s a quality that’ll take him much further than any stage-managing mother could.

2. Danny Noriega. Yes. Yes. He’s like Sanjaya with somewhat better vocals and a much, much higher self-awareness before the top 12 mania hits. I also give him extra points for mimicking Simon’s antler-wave (you know, the thing he does when he sticks his thumb near his ear and wiggles his fingers) in response to his critiques.

(Small gap here.)

3. David Cook. His nu-grunge version of Lionel Richie’s “Hello” was not my thing at all, but you could see the dollar signs in Simon Cowell’s eyes when the whole thing was said and done. Hello, Daughtry II… is it 19 Entertainment you’re looking for?

(Bigger gap here.)

4. David Hernandez. His performance was sorta forgettable, which he’s probably glad about given that every Internet-enabled person in America was looking for information on his stripper past yesterday, and which I’m very glad about because that Meat Loaf song is atrocious, but I’d like to thank our commenter Thierry for pointing out that Simon dared Randy to tell David “I like the way you strip to that” as the judges’ mics were going up post-song. (But wait, I thought the Idol powers that be didn’t read the blogs?) I’m bumping him up a bit because I actually felt a little bad for him once I realized that comment made it to air–he did look sorta shell-shocked during his judgment time, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t remember a single comment given to him.

5. Chikezie. Idol watchers on other blogs seemed irked that he trotted out “All The Woman I Need,” which he sang during his audition. Overall, his performance was somewhat weak, but I did get a bit tingly when he hit that falsetto note at the end.

6. David Archuleta. Two people IMed me last night to ask if David’s mother was picking his songs; last night David trotted out Phil Collins’ homeless-awareness song “Another Day In Paradise.” It came just one week after his (still not very good in my eyes!) showy rendition of “Imagine,” and that one-two punch opened the door for him to tell Simon, who cautioned David that he was getting to be kind of a Gloomy Gus, that he wanted to let people know that there were people out there who weren’t fortunate. Which is fine–noble, even!–but given that he’s being positioned as the out-and-out front-runner it’s hard not to see actions like this as somewhat insincere in a teacher’s-pet-wannabe sort of way. (Hey, David: If you really want to help, how about taking time off from your busy schedule of televised singing competitions to volunteer in a soup kitchen?) I know he’s Mormon and has to go on some sort of mission once he turns 18, but I think what this kid really needs is a year-long bender of reading books that aren’t about the process of becoming a star. And no cameras.

7. Michael Johns. “Don’t You Forget About Me” may be a prom favorite worldwide, but a) it’s not by INXS, as Randy apparently believes is the case with every song Michael sings; and b) you never realize how good Jim Kerr’s voice was until you hear someone else try and replicate it. (Same goes for “Alive And Kicking,” which I have had the distinct displeasure of hearing other people try at karaoke. Eep.)

(Freddie Mercury-vocal-range-sized gap here.)

8. Luke Menard. The limpest version of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” ever performed. If he sticks around next week there’s definitely some sort of shadowy a cappella Mafia out there.

WHO’S GOING HOME: Luke and probably Chikezie, unless enough people realize that “Don’t You Forget About Me” is not, in fact, an INXS song.

PAULA ABDUL OUT-OF-IT SCALE: 8.5/10. Whoa, what happened to Paula? She was half-finishing sentences, talking about David Archuleta’s imperfections making him perfect, and daydreaming about George Michael’s shorts. Did someone give her the extra-caffeinated Coke or what?

[Photo: rickey.org]