Madonna’s New Video Reveals That She Isn’t Afraid To Go After Britney’s Sloppy Seconds (And Neither Is Justin Timberlake)

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Madonna’s video for “Four Minutes”–featuring Justin Timberlake and Timbaland, and bearing a title that’s been chopped down from “Four Minutes To Save The World,” presumably for national-security reasons–debuted on the Internet this morning, and its extended JT-and-Madge mating dance not only squicked me out at a way-too-early hour, it had even more indications that Hard Candy will be Madonna’s “I’m out of ideas because the whole idea of ‘subculture’ has bubbled away in the social-networking era” album. The video, and five conclusions to take away from it, after the jump.

1. The idea of Madonna and Justin Timberlake hooking up is strangely repulsive to me, for petri-dish reasons instead of age-related ones. The whole clip dances around the idea of the world collapsing into a black hole and peoples’ skin melting off if they don’t–but they never kiss on screen, presumably because JT doesn’t want to inherit his ex-girlfriend’s curse.

2. Timbaland’s rapping: Still unnecessary. Although none of the lyrics make sense overall (at least in a narrative sense–the flipping of “prima donna” into “Madonna” sounds pretty good, though), so perhaps syllable-ing along, and not singing along, is the point of this track.

3. The video is actually four minutes and six seconds long. Surely every pedant out there will point this out, but what is the significance of those extra six seconds? That the world hasn’t been saved because Madge and JT have spent too much time washing up in the soon-to-be-doomed bathroom? Or that it has been? These questions will no doubt be answered in the post-apocalyptic clip for “Candy Store.”

4. Madonna has gone from “collagist of bohemian subcultures” to “totally OK with ripping off ideas from Jamiroquai.” Fast forward to the two-minute mark and slap your head. And anyone who says “But it’s different because it’s on a grocery-store checkout lane!” is fired.

5. The chorus on “4 Minutes” still reminds me of the theme to The Price Is Right. No, really; every time I hear this song it converges with the game-show theme that kept me entertained during sick days of yore. Here’s a clip that uses Crystal Waters’ “Come On Down”–a song that, quite awesomely, samples the theme in question–for proof. I also like this clip because the cat in it may be one of the grouchiest cats I’ve ever seen.

Madonna – 4 Minutes [HQ] [YouTube]Madonna – 4 Minutes [WorldStarHipHop]Cat Tricking [YouTube]