A JoBromance Doesn’t Think About It

After last episode’s tepid cliffhanger, the stage is set for mild to moderate drama, and emogurl810 always delivers. Are you ready for yet another Disney Channel star? Can you believe Emily’s nefarious boyfriend-stealing compulsion? Do you know the five Ws (and the H) of journalism? Say, whatever happened to Alexis’ dad? Follow me into the void for answers.

(Note: same video, but this time with a morbid, poorly produced piano ballad about dying when you’re sixteen. Anyone who can tell me what this song is gets a special JoBromance prize.)

Part 1

Alexis: Jason! I’ve missed you so much!

Jason: well…you see me on t.v.

Ada: Jason Dolley? ur friends with Jason Dolley?

Lorelai: yeah…he was Alexis’ besfriend

Ada: cool…

Alexis: well Jason, we’re with Miley, Emily, the Jonas Brothers and our cousin Ada…

Joe:*whispers to Nick* ex-boyfriend?

Nick: i hope not.

kevin and Hailey: come on guys, lets swim!

Emily: but i dont know how to swim…joe, can you teach me?

Joe: uhh…sure…

*they go far away*

Miley: who is she kidding, she’s the Best swimmer in the set of Hannah Montana.

Alexis: *looks at Emily and Joe then looks away* come on guys

Jason: so…whats the deal with you and Joe?

Alexis: he likes me, i like him but i also have a crush on a boy but he likes another girl, i think…

Jason: *swims to the others*

Alexis: *sighs* *looks at Emily and Joe*

Nick: dont worry, Joe likes you…

Alexis: if he flirts or kisses Emily, kick his sorry butt for me, k?

Nick: sure…*holds Alexis’ hands*

~far away from Nick and Alexis~

Ada: look…*points at Alexis and Nick* they’re flirting

Hailey: just dont worry

part 2 will be out later coz onetruemedia wont let me write more… :(

Part 2

Ada: fine…but keep an eye out..

Hailey: sure but Ada…you dont have to keep on pretending forever…you like Joe and ur just making him jealous…

Ada: no…yes…maybe…

Hailey: *pats Ada’s shoulder* do the right thing Ada.*leaves*

~with Lorelai and Kevin and Jason~

Lorelai: hey Kev, dont you think we need to help these lost couples, ur the oldest

Kevin: nah…

Lorelai: but Kev–OMG!

Kevin: what? when? where? why?

Lorelai: Joe kissed Emily!

Kevin: when? where? why?

Lorelai: just now!

Kevin: where? why?

Lorelai: there! *points*

Kevin: why?

Lorelai: *almost shouting* why do you ask so many questions?

Kevin: *almost shouting* I dont know.

Jason: wow…weird but perfect couple…

~Nick and Alexis walk up to Joe~

Nick: you blew it big time dude.

Alexis: any explanations?

Joe: she ki–*gets cut off*

Alexis:*rudely* hm…guess not…lets go Nick…

~at the girls room~

Nick: you okay Alexis?

Alexis: yup…just need to write a song to let out my feelings…

*sings and plays her guitar*

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

Misunderstood..

Everybody feels that way sometimes.

oh-oh-ohh

I wish i could fit in with all the rest but I..

Oh-oh-oh

Got my own style

Got my own way

I dont care what people say Yeah! , Cause

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

being myself there ain’t no doubt about it I wont cry any tears

I just live without fear

Im so happy cause im living my life and i dont think about it

A shooting star twinkling across the sky at night

Oh-Oh-Oh

Near or far, i wish that everything would be all right

Oh-Oh-Oh

Got my own dreams

Got my own plans

Gonna get there anyway i can cuz,

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

being myself there ain’t no doubt about it I wont cry any tears

I just live without fear

Im so happy cause im living my life and i dont think about it

Got my own style

Got my own way

I dont care what people say Yeah! , Cuz

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

being myself there ain’t no doubt about it I wont cry any tears

I just live without fear

Im so happy cause im living my life and I dont think about it

I dont think about it

I dont think about it

being myself there ain’t no doubt about it I wont cry any tears

I just live without fear

Im so happy cause im living my life and I don’t think about it.

Think about it.

Think about it.

Ohh.. i dont want to think about it woahh.. yeahhh..cause im living my life and i dont think about it.

Nick:cool…*sees a teddy bear* you brought your teddy bear?

Alexis: yes and its name is Cuddles…dont tell!

Nick: no prob..i also brought my blanky anyways…

Alexis: blanky?

Nick: my blanket.

Alexis: *in a baby-ish voice* aww…little Nicky has a special blanket…how cute…

Nick: *in a baby-ish voice* aw…princess likes mr.cuddles…how cute…

Alexis: *became quiet*

Nick: what did i say?

Alexis: its just that, that was what my dad used to call me princess and he was murdered…*about to cry*

Nick:oh, im so sorry for bringing that up…*hugs Alexis*

Alexis:*hugs Nick tight and doesnt let go* no, its okay…its just that whenever i hear something that make me remember him, i think that i will never have a complete family…*cries harder*

Nick: its okay Alexis…*rubs Alexis’ back*

Joe: *comes in* *sees them* sorry…*leaves*

OMJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE NXT EPISODE? WILL EMILY EVER BE GOOD LIKE MILEY? WILL ADA BE JEALOUS OF NALEXIS(NICK AND ALEXIS)? WHAT WILL JOE DO?

~emogurl810~

In case you’re wondering, Jason Dolley is apparently the star of a Disney Channel movie called MInutemen, and he appears to be caught in a perpetual gust of wind. It’s unclear as to whether emogurl810 has introduced him simply for the pleasure of his windswept presence, or if he’ll actually serve some purpose in the future. As of now he’s just yet another tertiary character with the ability to appear out of the ether into the JoBromance universe. Realismo mágico never looked so effortless; she’s really giving Gabriel García Márquez a run for his money.

This episode is mostly just the usual JoBromance antics: Emily inflicts her daddy issues on everyone else’s love lives, Kevin and Lorelai have a tedious dialog that’s curiously rooted in the foundations of journalism, and Alexis sings a song about her feelings. At first I thought this was another emogurl810 original because the lyrics are so empty and bizarre, but after a bit of Googling I determined that–believe it or not–it was actually written by a team of professionals and sung by Haley Joel Osment’s younger sister.

This song is the absolute epitome of all that is terrifying about the Disney Channel/Hannah Montana culture that has yielded the JoBromance. They’re not even feigning substance anymore, they just come out and say it: they don’t think about it. It reminds me of the part in Alfonso Cuarón’s severely under-appreciated Children of Men where Theo asks his cousin why he’s saving the world’s great art when in 30 years nobody will even be around to look at it, and his cousin replies “I just try not to think about it” (or something to that effect). It’s chilling, and I would argue that the JoBromance is a direct product of a culture dead set on aggressive not-thinking.

OMJ! I just go so serious! Sorry guys. Where were we? Oh yes, Alexis was about to make Nick feel really awkward by casually mentioning the tragic death of her father–a murder, no less! This is what I like about emogurl810: she’s not afraid take the JoBromance to the darker corners of existence. Kidnapping, murder, she’s got it all; it’s like a fucking John Grisham novel up in this place. Maybe my “culture of aggressive not-thinking” tangent was uncalled for after all. Let’s just hope she’s read enough crappy thriller/mystery novels to know that Nick ought to be the one who killed her father. It’s the only suitable direction in which to take the story at this point.