“Is Simon A Good Kisser?”: Welcome To Another Awkward Episode Of “American Idol”

noah | April 30, 2008 9:45 am

I just got home from a dinner out and I turned on my TV to find that American Idol is kind of crazy. Paula Abdul is making MC Skat Kat references! The first girl who Simon Cowell kissed–and his first crush!–is on the call-in segment and saying that he’s “aged very well”! Natasha Bedingfield performed a semi-hookless dance song that sounded like a filler track from 1988-ish Z100! The two girls are the bottom two, thus avoiding all “Jason was robbed” spoiler possibilites! Ryan Seacrest is pretty visibly addled, possibly because his saying “We’re out” instead of “Seacrest out” last night spelled his certain doom and also possibly because he’s still drunk from the bender that he so obviously needed after last night! Live-action commentary of the show’s final 15 minutes after the jump.

9:46 p.m. The Idols’ music video this week shows how, through the power of their hybrid vehicle’s product placement, they can fix the litter problem.

9:47 p.m. Neil Diamond is singing “Amazing Grace”–not the Kristy Lee Cook go-to song, but a track that causes my viewing companion to remark that he’s about half a step away from the career path taken by Scott Walker.

9:49 p.m. This song is totally OK–very understated. Although if he were a contestant he’d be raked over the coals for this being a singing competition.

9:50 p.m. Ryan is so addled! And there’s Neil Diamond’s mom, all proud.

9:51 p.m. “What can you say about that album?” “it’s good.” Ah, the Neil Diamond charm. If anyone would like to see him when he comes to New York, please drop me an e-mail.

9:51 p.m. Neil thought the judges were “a little harsh… but pretty right on” last night. He seems kind of nervous!

9:52 p.m. So here’s the thing: I actually think Neil Diamond is a great songwriter. But given that Idol‘s aesthetic of choice is all about schmaltz in the form of wringing every note until it’s bled dry, I feel like he was the complete wrong choice for the Idol universe, unless the judges changed their criteria at the last minute to include categories like “interpretation” and “subtlety.” Which totally wasn’t happening. Also it’s 9:55 already? I got distracted by the promise of unlimited chip refills.

9:56 p.m. Syesha and Brooke are brought out to center stage! Either way, Brooke is going to freak out. (She’s already crying.)

9:57 p.m. And Brooke is out. Oh, my god, the crying.

9:57 p.m. She seemed so… down to earth back in the day, you know? But this is what happens when you go the Shrek route.

9:59 p.m. She wants to thank everyone. They’re making her sing again. And she’s doing “I Am, I Said.” Ah, Brooke. Annie Hall you ain’t.

10:01 p.m. She’s all rasp, very Amanda Overmyer. Syesha looks like she wants to be anywhere else but the Idol stage.

10:01 p.m. She’s decided that she doesn’t have to please the audience anymore, so her back’s been turned to the audience. Good night.