Pete Wentz Determined To Remaster Parenthood
As a purveyor of lazy and convenient rhetorical devices, I can by no means cast stones at Mr. Wentz. Nor do I think his simile was extraordinarily out of line. But you can’t just let a person get away with comparing parenthood to producing an album. As a society, we must police each others’ use of language to ensure that our discourse does not devolve into one ever-more-confusing metaphor after another, which is why I’ve compiled the following rather obnoxious–but necessary–list of all the ways parenthood is not like making a record.
• Babies don’t have knobs that control their sound levels. • There’s hopefully no cocaine involved in raising a child. • Kids cost more money than they bring in. (Though I suppose the same is true for many albums these days.) • Vocoders frighten young children. • No second takes. • Timbaland can’t come in during the tough teenage years to help out with the parenting process. • When it’s all said and done, you can’t tour your child around to huge arenas and make millions off of over-priced t-shirts. Unless you’re Billy Ray Cyrus.
Luckily Wentz does at least seem to have a good grasp on the realistic side of parenthood, too:
The Fall Out Boy bassist also revealed his new ambitions involve simply being a father and said he wants to “live in the suburbs and hang out with my kid.”
Do I smell a VH1 Celebreality show in the making? God, I hope not.