The Day We’ve All Been Dreading Has Arrived

Lucas Jensen | September 25, 2008 2:45 am

Perez Hilton has released his first single.

It’s called “The Clap” and guess what it’s about? You got it! It’s just as sophomoric, unsubtle, and juvenile as you’d have imagined from a guy who made his bones drawing semen on photos of Hollywood C-Listers with MS Paint (hmm…now that I read that all written out it’s actually a pretty brilliant idea).

“The Clap” actually starts out kind of intriguing, with some bouncy piano and stuttering saxes. It even reminded me a little of Bowie’s “I Dig Everything,” though I did hit my head hard last week on something in my closet. Then comes the verse, where Perez decides he wants to rewrite The Escape Club’s “Wild, Wild West,” itself a rewrite of Elvis Costello’s “Pump It Up.” Sloppy Seconds? Try Thrownaway Thirds. The chorus is a tad less tepid than the verse–it’s “Crocodile Rock Ultra Light”–but it does feature a couplet worthy of Edmund Spenser: “When you love someone, take it slow / Don’t let them raid your pussy hole”.

This is a family site, I know! I’m sorry, kids! The whole song has a big ol’ case of the Pottymouths, made much worse by the fact that you have to imagine Perez himself doing this: “Rub some lotion on my back / Massage it down into my crack”. Of course it comes as no surprise that P. wrote the lyrics himself (the music is by Lucian Piane).

Maybe I’m being hypocritical here. If this song was done by Ween, I’d probably pay more attention. But I know that those guys are capable of so many different things. This is Perez’s big musical debut, and he uses it on a one-note pee pee joke. Am I being too harsh?

I’m going post that David Bowie song as an aperitif.