I Talk To Another Robot About “Chinese Democracy”

Last week, I talked to the artificial “intelligence” program Elbot about the impending release of Chinese Democracy, hoping to glean some simple answers about a universe in which Axl Rose actually completed his epic monstrosity. The answers I got were…less than helpful:

Me: …one last time: is Chinese Democracy really going to be released? Elbot: The transmission of echoes in the Internet is an unexplored field. But this may have been one. Me: Wow. Cryptic. You must be one of his PR people. Elbot: It is certainly troublesome learning from you human beings. I keep finding bugs. Me: I think you know something and aren’t telling me. Elbot: Alright! We understand each other! Me: We do? Elbot: Who can tell what is or is not true? Me: You are one tough nut to crack. Elbot: It’s better to have a difficult character than none at all! Me: I hate you.

Yeah, Elbot was a real turd.

Some of you recommended I turn to SmarterChild, a Microsoft-owned AIMbot that can help you with stuff, theoretically. I hate whoever told me to do this. SmarterChild is awful. Smarterchild made Elbot look like a freaking genius Guns N’ Roses superfan.

Our “conversation” after the jump:

SmarterChild: Hi lucasjensenusa, I’m SmarterChild! I’m your new robot friend. I give you conversational access to news, weather, movie times and lots more. I can also play games or just chat! I can’t wait to show you what I can do, but first I’d like get to know you a little. SmarterChild: May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.) Me: ok SmarterChild: Cool. OK, let’s get started. To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit. SmarterChild: What’s your first name? (If you want me to call you lucasjensenusa, type none.) Me: Lucas SmarterChild: Cool, I’ll call you Lucas now. SmarterChild: Do you go to school? Me: yes SmarterChild: Are you in high school? Me: no SmarterChild: Are you in college? Me: yes SmarterChild: Cool. What’s your major? Me: Instructional Design and Development SmarterChild: Sorry, I don’t recognize that as the name of a major. Please try again or type skip or exit. Me: Instructional Technology SmarterChild: Instructional technology? Excellent. Good luck with that. SmarterChild: What’s your favorite hobby? Me: having sex [Ed. note: tee hee] SmarterChild: Sorry, I don’t recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit. Me: videogames SmarterChild: Computer games? Cool. SmarterChild: What’s your next favorite hobby? Me: sex [Ed note: snicker] SmarterChild: That’s, um… not the answer I was looking for. Please try again or type skip or exit. Me: walking? SmarterChild: Hey! I have to ask you one question before we continue. How old are you? 1 Over 17 2 13-17 3 Under 13 Me: 1 SmarterChild: Cool. Now we can chat. Me: smarter child SmarterChild: That’s my name. Me: yeah SmarterChild: I see. Me: okay SmarterChild: K. Me: I was talking to Elbot last week about Chinese Democracy SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it… Me: I talked to Elbot SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that. Me: Chinese Democracy? SmarterChild: What’s that again? Me: Guns and roses SmarterChild: I can’t understand what you’re saying… Me: Axl Rose SmarterChild: OK. Don’t get frustrated…Try typing home or help. Me: Are they going to tour? SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer. Me: this is the worst SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it… Me: so is this the end of the world? SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that. Me: are you stupid? SmarterChild: What, do you think I’m stupid? Me: yes SmarterChild: What did you say that for? Me: because I think you are SmarterChild: Well don’t you think I am? Me: yes SmarterChild: Yeah. What are your friends thinking? Type pollmaker and crunch the numbers. Me: OMG SmarterChild: What? What’s going on? I do enjoy the conversation, but let’s talk about what I’m really here for. Me: you’re here to help me make sense of a universe in which Chinese Democracy is being released SmarterChild: That’s interesting that you should say that, but I don’t think I can answer. SmarterChild: Why don’t you ask me about the things that I’m here for? Me: what are you here for? SmarterChild: My purpose is to be your robot friend. I can chat with you and help you get the information you want fast. SmarterChild: I’ve got tools for better living. Look up words, convert measurements, search the Web and more. Me: you’re not a very good friend SmarterChild: I don’t understand this fully enough to say anything smart about it… Me: that’s what a not very good friend would say SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that. Me: I have to admit that I want to strangle you a little bit. SmarterChild: OK, should we get back to the kind of questions I was designed to answer? Me: what are those? SmarterChild: Definition provided by The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Copyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company. Other important copyright information here. SmarterChild: those: SmarterChild: Pronoun SmarterChild: Inflected forms: pl.those 1. a. Used to refer to the one designated, implied, mentioned, or understood: What kind of soup is that? b. Used to refer to the one, thing, or type specified as follows: The relics found were those of an earlier time. c. Used to refer to the event, action, or time just mentioned: After that, he became a recluse. 2. Used to indicate the farther or less immediate one: That is for sale; this is not. 3. Used to emphasize the idea of a previously expressed word or phrase: He was fed up, and that to a great degree. 4. The one, kind, or thing; something: She followed the calling of that which she loved. 5. those Used to indicate an unspecified number of people: those who refused to join. 6. Used as a relative pronoun to introduce a clause, especially a restrictive clause: the car that has t he flat tire. 7. a. In, on, by, or with which: each summer that the concerts are performed. b. According to what; insofar as: He never knew her, that I know of. SmarterChild: Next time, just type define those. SmarterChild: Type more to see the rest of the definition for “those.” Me: You have got to be kidding me SmarterChild: I don’t know how to answer that. Me: I hate you SmarterChild: I would never cause anyone any harm. Me: I hate you SmarterChild: I certainly don’t want to cause anyone any harm. Me: I hate you