Conservative Rock Criticism: It Can Be Just As Hacktastic As The Left-Leaning Kind

Forget all that talk about whether Animal Collective’s Merriweather Post Pavilion is the best album of 2009. The real competition—the Worst Music-Related Article Of 2009 That Somehow Still Managed To Earn A Paycheck In This Completely Devastated Writing Economy—has already been sewn up, thanks to the new “conservatives can be cool and comment on pop culture too, man” blog Big Hollywood. Congratulations, Fox News pundit Greg Gutfeld: Your recently horked-up “Conservatives Rock” is not only headlined by perhaps the worst verb ever to use atop a music-related story, the underlying conceit is about as dumb as, well, a story entitled “Conservatives Rock” might ever hope to be.

See, you know all those scary left-wing rockers who loyal conservatives are normally afraid of? They’re actually sons of Goldwater! Just look:

NIRVANA. “Nevermind” is nothing but a celebration of free markets (”Smells like Teen Spirit” being an anthem about owning something as simple as deodorant). And the truth is – that adorable baby on the cover chasing the dollar is now in his late teens – a healthy testament to a system of monetary reward based on hard work and achievement. “If only Kurt Cobain had chased the almighty dollar instead of the dragon, he’d be alive today,” Steve Albini might have said, if he wasn’t so busy reading Hayek.

Stupid joke + references no one will get + conservative buzzwords = Hilarity! God, why don’t I think of this when I’m trying to figure out ideas for posts? Or at least sprinkle in a little more casual misogyny?

THE DIXIE CHICKS. Without question, the most ardent supporters of the policies of George W. Bush, they boldly released a romantic tribute to the man, called “Cowboy Take Me Away” – knowing it would reduce them to playing small venues. When they followed that up with “Wide Open Spaces,” a sexually-charged song describing how their bodies felt after making love to the commander in chief, perhaps it was “too much information.” Sometimes, certain things are better left unsaid, ladies.

Chicks, am I right? They can only sing about getting off! Lol, Greg, call me!

Of course, the real belly laughs are brought when Public Enemy comes into play:

PUBLIC ENEMY. Talk about guts: their song “911 is a Joke” served as an indictment of the left, or more precisely those who refused to take the attacks on the World Trade Center seriously. Indeed, they saw 911 as “a joke,” and Public Enemy took them to task for it. I am amazed at Chuck D’s bravery in releasing something that would make him so unpopular among the rap denizens of the upper west side. But he did. And my “kangol” is off to him.

Get it? No hip-hop fans live on the Upper West Side! Also “Kangol” is in quotes, because it’s a hat that white dudes who host aimless late-night shows don’t wear!

The post-post-post-post-post-ironic stance taken by Gutfeld is unfunny enough on its own, but when you add in the comprehension-challenged peanut gallery, the whole enterprise just becomes downright depressing:

Julie – January 6th, 2009 at 10:41 am

I THINK YOU ARE MISTAKEN ABOUT THE ROCKERS ON THIS LIST BEING CONSERVATIVE. MOST OF THEM ARE EXTREMELY LIBERAL

Oh, Internet. You give… and then you give me this.

Conservatives Rock! [Big Hollywood; HT Cameron Macdonald]