Catfights, Spotlights, And Lots Of Tears In Hollywood

noah | February 5, 2009 9:30 am

Last night was the second installment of American Idol‘s suite of Hollywood Round episodes, and it took on the group round, in which egos clash and lots of tears are shed. The way the contestants took over the entire hotel where they were staying and the constant fighting between so many of them made me feel like I was looking in on a particularly overachiever-saturated session of drama club auditions—so let’s turn this recap into a page from the 2009 American Idol yearbook!

MOST POPULAR: Danny Gokey and Jamar Rogers, a pair of best friends from Wisconsin, are already getting a lot of love from the producers, and the Hollywood Round is only half over! What if this season is just a setup for their showdown at season’s end? This is not to say that they aren’t good singers; their group’s version of “Somebody To Love,” which is a tough song to begin with, was a cappella and pretty solid.

BEST ACTOR: Oh, Adam Lambert. The more you sing, the more I love you, although my suspicions that America is still not ready for a Scissor Sisters-inspired pop star continue to lurk in my mind.

MOST LIKELY TO CLASH: What happens when you put Katrina “By The Way I Wore A Bikini At The Auditions” Darrell together with Rose “Hair Like Jason Castro” Flack? Arguing! Admittedly I’m a bit biased against Katrina, because, well, the way she was edited made her seem like she was straight from the pages of some awful movie about mean girls in high school. Well, was it just the way she was edited? Probably not. Anyway, there was much friction between her and her fellow group members, with Darrell claiming that she was tired because of the cominbation of scoliosis and wearing too-high heels and retiring early, thus skipping out on rehearsal. I may or may not have muttered “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw” while she was complaining about how she was being mistreated and how other girls just don’t like her. Gee, I wonder why?

MOST LIKELY TO SUCK UP WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU: Tatiana “Annoying Laugh Girl” Del Toro wasn’t liked by anyone, and her pingponging back and forth between two groups because the hopefuls in them were getting irritated by her early-onset Lead Singer Syndrome reminded me of those girls who always needed to have a “backup plan,” so they made pals with a few less-popular types who they then roundly mocked to their cooler friends. Just awful in every way. Yet she continues to persist, despite some shadiness (see below)!

MOST LIKELY TO PRAY FOR HIMSELF, BUT NOT TURN THE OTHER CHEEK: Pierced and scruffy serial crier Nathaniel Murray sang a song by fallen Christian pop singer Ray Boltz in the Hollywood Round’s first day, and he said a big, showy prayer right before he went on stage. But when he made it through while another member of his group got cut, he was kind of dismissive. Sure, his group’s practice sessions were full of tears and sturm und drang and not much singing, what about turning the other cheek, dude?

MOST LIKELY TO JOIN THE BOWLING TEAM WHEN ALL OF THIS IS OVER: A montage stitched together three people from Utah who screwed up the words to the Temptations’ “Get Ready.” Oh, Utah! You should all have stuck with the Duffy song. (Yes, even the guys.)

MISSED PICTURE DAY: Goodbye, Emily Wynne-Hughes and Rose Flack. Your kooky hair and shoes-optional attire will be missed.

MR. COWELL ADJUSTS THE CURVE: So at the outset of the group round, Simon declared that anyone who forgot the words would be automatically out… and yet that rule didn’t seem to apply to Tatiana, who screwed up the words to “I Want You Back” (as evidenced by the backup singers completing the verse correctly), made it through, and then thanked Jesus tearfully. And loudly. I know that humble praying isn’t good for the camera, but, uh, Jesus Christ! Ha, pun intended.

MS. DIOGUARDI’S MONEY QUOTE: “She’s ready for her close-up…. what a bitch.” Kara on (who else?) Katrina Bikini Girl, who doesn’t seem to realize that when her youth runs out and the Maxim editors stop calling, the people who she derided as “fake” on her limb-assisted way up the ladder will probably give her a taste of her own medicine.

American Idol [Official site]

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