John Mayer Gets Off With ‘Rolling Stone’

In the new issue of Rolling Stone, John Mayer discusses his split with Jennifer Aniston, wanting a life partner and… oh, let’s cut just cut to the chase—he rattles on and on about masturbating. (Remind us how this guy got famous again?)

If only Mayer’s last album, uh, whatever it was called, was as memorable as some of the quotes he spouts off in the mag. Warning before heading below the jump: some of what you’re about to read is NSBB (not safe before breakfast).

“Like, you need to have them [girlfriends] be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually,” wise sage Mayer imparts. “But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?”

But wait—there’s more!

* “I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week.”

* “I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon.”

* “All I want to do now is f*ck the girls I’ve already f*cked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them.”

* “Blowing me off is the new sucking me off!”

Wow. Kind of takes all the mystique out of “Your Body Is A Wonderland”—by making you want to go projectile vomit on the ceiling.