Fiona Apple Talks About Her Arrest And “Inappropriate And Probably Illegal” Mistreatment

Fiona Apple‘s recent run-in with the law caught many off-guard — indeed, we thought such “Criminal” behavior might be too juvenile for an artist who’s been around since the ’90s. Then again, anyone who wears a squid as a hat in a music video is bound to be smoking their fair share of kush.

The “Anything We Want” singer fully admitted to drug possession, but spoke out at her first post-arrest show in Houston about her experience. What she had to say about four specific people who allegedly mistreated her in a “inappropriate and probably illegal” manner makes us think Fiona hasn’t exactly cut down on pot-smoking since the incident.

Here’s what Fiona had to say:

“Now most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn’t hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and — I got two lock boxes. We’ll call them ‘holding cell one’ and ‘holding cell two.’ In ‘holding cell one’ is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In ‘holding cell two’ is the decoder. I’m the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in, but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you’re interested in being a celebrity, I’ll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I’ll open those boxes. So why don’t you stay in your fucking holding cell?”

Well, that’s one unconventional, elaborate way to respond to an arrest. And frankly, we’re left speechless. We’re sorry to hear she was allegedly abused in some way, but this response is a little, um, “out there.”

Gee, we wonder what could be making her so paranoid?

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