Ke$ha’s ‘My Crazy Beautiful Life’: The Singer Finally Gets Sex After A Global Beard Hunt

Lisa Timmons | May 1, 2013 5:56 am

Part two of Ke$ha‘s My Beautiful Crazy Life picks up where the first episode left off, with the pop singer terrified that her voice would not return in time for her big show at Glastonbury. Also, girlfriend is dying for some intimate beard action. Will she get her voice back from Ursula, the Sea Witch? Will her Prince Beardly show up? Read on to find out!

We get reminded that it’s Ke$ha’s brother behind the camera for this super behind-the-scenes peek at her first worldwide tour that spans two years and 85 cities. The episode starts with the singer looking peevish after finishing her Manchester concert and completely losing her voice. She scribbles “I hate this” on a notepad and surprisingly, isn’t referring to her smeared mascara and garish turquoise lipstick.

Ke$ha’s voiceover lets us know us how terrified she is at the prospect of having no voice for her Glastonbury performance. To preserve her vocals, she’s forced to communicate in time-lapse voiceover. However, losing her voice soon proves to be just one of many comedies of error to precede her most anticipated performance.

The final blow before the show comes when mute K$ is informed just outside of the venue that the show may have to be condensed to 45 minutes because massive rain has caused it to be a muddy mess. I suspect that if Ke$ha weren’t strictly forbidden from speaking, the expletives would be flying right now.

Fifteen minutes to showtime and Ke$ha still has yet to speak, preserving her voice up until the very last moment. Decked out in holey fishnets and a ragged American flag jumper, she struts onto the stage to triumphantly yodel, “There’s a party at a rich guy’s house!”

She pelvic-thrusts and glitter-shoots her way through the concert. By the end of the show, she looks like she’s been assaulted by a pack of clowns, but seems happy and is talking again. Success! For the remainder of her European dates, Ke$ha auto-tunes and smashes glitter-filled snare drums through the continent. At one point, she even takes to the stage with Alice Cooper.

It’s at this point, that Ke$ha’s lack of beard action is making her supah-dupah horny. She confesses this to her brother and punctuates her declaration with a long burp. Form a line please, boys.

Now, Ke$ha’s on her way to Beirut. Good God, this tour is moving so fast, I’m getting vertigo. From inside her plush hotel, the songbird hears what sounds like bombs. The driver tells her when they drive past that this is “where the president was assassinated.” Ke$ha notes that she has six bodyguards, so “I don’t feel scared.” Her brother then informs her that Beyonce Knowles had 60.

But the threat of war and kidnapping is nothing compared to the idea of another night without a bearded man by her side. Ke$ha tells her brother she wants a guy who “isn’t intimidated by [her] fierceness.”

Now, she’s back in the States to kick off the American leg of her tour, as well of the American leg of her beard hunt. And can I just say, her glitter budget has to be off the hook. Los Angeles is where Ke$ha lands for her first day off in eight months. She sees a guy with a beard walk past and sprints to get his phone number. I like this girl’s style.

Next thing you know, Ke$ha is tipsy in a bar and drunk-dialing his ass. She vaguely remembers his name and he actually shows up. Cut to mom and K$ talking pre-interview at Conan O’Brien‘s talk show, and we hear the story about how Pebe totally cock-blocked Ke$ha. Then the most awesome moment happened when the singer tells Pauly Shore the story of her mother keeping her from getting laid. Then, it’s just awkward.

We move onto the next prospect, Hot Beard Tour Guy, who is a roadie on Ke$ha’s tour. “I’m real excited. I’m pretty sure we’re getting married,” she says after receiving her first text from him. At the bar, they nuzzle and snuggle and he actually is quite cute. Then, they kiss. And next thing you know, she’s leaping from her bedroom on the tour bus with bedhead, screaming, “I got laid!” Hot Beard Tour Guy sheepishly scoots out, buttoning up his shirt.

The next scandal is her telling her makeup artist that the guy asked to spoon Ke$h after sex, and asked her to be the big spoon. She laughs this story to anyone who will listen, and somewhere, Hot Beard Tour Guy is wishing he had never signed a waiver to allow his image to be broadcast on national television.

Back from commercial break, Ke$ha’s rehearsing on an empty stage when Baby Spoon shows up to give her a hug. He is dubbed her “tour boyfriend.” But will their love survive beyond the tour? This is a questions for the next episode, as well as what will happen when Perez Hilton goes on a rant about how he hates her. Ugh.

Till next time, animals!