‘Glee’ Recap: Light Kidnapping & Sue Sylvester’s Secret Sappy Song List

Lisa Timmons | January 31, 2015 5:41 am

This week, we pick up where the first part of the Glee episode “The Hurt Locker” left off  — that is, with the Warblers and New Directions looking completely disheartened post-Vocal Adrenaline performance. In part two of “The Hurt Locker,” Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) continues plotting to romantically reunite Blaine (Darren Criss) and Kurt (Chris Colfer), which escalates to borderline felonious activity. Good times at McKinley High!

Sue steps to the stage to announce the rules for the three-day invitational, despite the fact that a group has already performed. The first rule is that the theme is “old school,” followed by the rule that there are no rules, followed by a third rule, which is that glee club needs to have 12 members to perform. After this nonsensical announcement, Sue manages to heavily foreshadow that she plans to kidnap Kurt and Blaine. Because what would a school announcement be without a threat from the principal? Boring, that’s what.

Rachel (Lea Michele) immediately approaches Will (Matthew Morrison) about the fact that he was supposed to throw the competition. In return, he is still icy and suspicious of Rachel’s motives. Rachel and Kurt realize they only have two days to recruit the requisite number of members. They agree that they need to recruit Kitty (Becca Tobin), one of the former glee kids Rachel had previously just ignored because they were of no use to her.

Kurt and his older gentleman caller Walter (Harry Hamlin) make it official that they’re on a a real date at Breadstix and are not just a platonic pair of gay dudes eating pasta together. Sue shows up as the waitress to try and cockblock with lots of old people jokes. Walter handles it with aplomb by saying simply, “When you’re as handsome as I am, very little bothers you.” Ha! And to top it off, he then asks Sue what her age is, to which she replies, “34,” through clenched teeth. I love them both.

Back at Sue’s storage unit/hurt locker, she pops in a VHS of surveillance footage of Klaine (her celebrity couple name for Blaine and Kurt) that she shows a somewhat creeped-out Becky (Lauren Potter). Sue says she needs to get the former pair in a small, confined space where they’re force to gaze into each other’s eyes. #MyDreamDate

Rachel rushes through the high school hallways after Kitty to try and get her to join glee club. Kitty dismisses her in a sassy, fast-talking monologue. Rachel’s final plea has her showering Kitty with tons of compliments, conspicuously about everything except Kitty’s singing voice. Kitty fights it but Rachel promises never to abandon her.

Blaine and Kurt engage in small talk and then immediately get stuck in a fake elevator. Somehow they weren’t suspicious that the elevator suddenly appeared in their former high school, despite the fact that they spend all their time there. They’re so lucky Sue only wants to get them back together, because she could very easily murder these gullible idiots if she so pleased.

Despite the fact that their coach is missing, the Dalton Academy Warblers come out  swinging with a rousing performance of “My Sharona” by The Knack, followed by the most neutered version of Dead Or Alive‘s “You Spin Me Round” I’ve ever heard, complete with lots of dancing choreographed sitting and standing up.

Sue steps into the boys’ locker room and immediately re-hypnotizes Sam like a Batman villain from the ’60s and asks him to convince New Directions to perform what she deems the “worst glee club set list of all time.”

Rachel calls the police to report Kurt missing, but the person she gets on the phone hangs up on her when they start to argue about her failed TV show. That’s so Rachel!

Sam shows up to give Rachel the sheet music and aggressively court her. He snaps out of it when she totally rebuffs him and apologizes. Sam agrees to find seven new members of the glee club.

Blaine and Kurt, trapped in the elevator contraption, grow frustrated and annoyed with their situation. Suddenly a creepy puppet-version of Sue (a clear nod to Jigsaw from Saw) tricycles into the space and tells them all they have to do is kiss to leave and then wheels out, leaving behind a heart-shaped basket full of cheese, wine and grapes.

Late at night, Kitty turns up to the school to tell Rachel that she’s reconsidered and is back in glee club. Kitty breaks into Sue’s office and hacks into her laptop to find out Sue’s emotionally vulnerable songs for the most manipulative set list ever.

Spencer (Marshall Williams), the gay quarterback determined not act “too gay” around his teammates, works on football plays late at night in the boys’ locker where Sam finds him. Looking like he’s ready for his graveyard shift at Target, Sam manages to convince Spencer that he should join glee club. Pulling out the big guns, he even  brings up Finn (Cory Monteith) as a final argument for his case. #HeavyHanded

After a brief exchange with a hapless police officer searching her office for clues as to where Blaine and Kurt could be, Rachel faces the glee club, which now includes Kitty. When Rachel presents their new song lineup, the kids briefly fight her, but are silenced by new queen bee Kitty. Spencer joins the group, and like that, the glee club has two new members.

Montage of Blaine and Kurt trapped in the fake elevator and falling back in love with each other out of boredom!

Will approaches Rachel, who apologizes. After a brief discussion, they realize that it was Sue pitting them against one another. Oh Sue!

Blaine and Kurt continue to flirt until Blaine mentions his boyfriend, Dave Karofsky (Max Adler), and Kurt retreats to the corner to pout. Then, in retaliation, Sue pumps some sort of sexy, aerated drug into the elevator to get them all hot and bothered. Blaine finally breaks down and says they should kiss just to be set free.

The New Directions take to the stage and they lead with “It Must Have Been Love” by Roxette. The only thing that matters in this episode is Sue’s reaction to her secret emotional playlist. For every song the kids sing, she slips into her own personal nostalgic flashback.

Cross cut with Kurt and Blaine agreeing that their kiss won’t mean anything. They finally share a passionate kiss that obviously does mean something and the creepy puppet cheers. With that, the fake elevator doors open and they run out.

The next song is George Michael‘s “Father Figure,” led by newbie Roderick (Noah Guthrie), followed by “All Out of Love” from Air Supply, which sufficiently pulls on all of Sue’s heartstrings. By the end, she’s enough of an emotional wreck to decide that the New Directions won. Emotional manipulation triumphs over talent and careful preparation. Go McKinley High!

Pissed after Vocal Adrenaline’s defeat, The Wanted‘s Max George (I like to imagine that’s also the name of his character) basically threatens Will when he tries to give his student a post-defeat pep talk. Ha! I like this guy.

Back in her office, Blaine and Kurt confront Sue about her kidnapping them, and she waves them off like two attacking butterflies. The two of them inform her that they’re now over each other. In response, she not so subtly threatens to kill their boyfriends? I love how dark this is getting.

Back in the rehearsal space, Kitty gives a speech to her fellow glee club members to solidify her return to the group and celebrate their very unlikely victory. And am I the only one who noticed that Rachel didn’t have a single song this episode? Well, me and Lea Michele, I’m sure.

Till next week…!