‘I Can Do That’: Mini Ciara & Nicole Scherzinger Lose to Joe Jonas, Cheryl Burke & Jabbawockeez

Lisa Timmons | June 3, 2015 5:11 am
'I Can Do That' Premiere
Ciara, Joe Jonas & Nicole Scherzinger on NBC's confusing new show.

Welcome back to the most confusing hour of television! Last week, saw the premiere of I Can Do That on NBC, a celebrity competition show that asks the question, “What is a celebrity anymore, really?”

The one-hour series is hosted by Marlon Wayans and stars Nicole Scherzinger, Ciara, Joe Jonas, Alan Ritchson, Cheryl Burke and comedian Jeff Dye. Each week, this illustrious group of six watch three different performances and then pair up to train for three days to do their best interpretation of what they saw. From there, the studio audience votes on first, second and third place, in terms of performance.

This week, we learn that the celebrities are competing to earn points. “Redeemable for what,” you ask? Don’t get ahead of yourself! Perhaps we’ll find out next week. In any case, Ciara says after finding out she has a mere point to her credit, “It’s on like popcorn!” What a delicious threat!

With that, Cheryl and Joe are whisked away to their dance training with the Jabbackwockeez for this week’s competition. They ease into it with some simple stepping and snapping. Professional dancer Cheryl already looks super comfortable, unsurprisingly. She tries to act like it’s hard, emphasizing the difference between ballroom and hip hop dance, but it’s clear she’s picking it up pretty quickly. Even Joe looks relatively comfortable, although they’re really trying to play up his awkwardness.

The moment of truth come when the pair receive their masks. It’s very American Psycho. Stepping to the stage, they perform to the tune of Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars“Uptown Funk.” To their credit, Cheryl and Joe don’t stand out as being totally out of place within the group and they nail the performance. During their post-performance chat with Marlon, Cheryl reminds us again just how difficult it is to transition from ballroom dance moves to hip hop. Girl, methinks thou dost protest too much.

After that, a flashback reminds us that Alan and Jeff teamed up to learn the dog and strong man routine of Christian and Scooby. Scooby is apparently, a one-man dog, having never learned how to do tricks with anyone besides his human BFF, Christian. Part of the challenge is executing the tricks without accidentally crushing Scooby to death. Them’s the stakes, folks.

Next up, the two dudes have to learn the acrobatics, which looks super dangerous. On the final training day, the real highlight is their outfits, which are red tank tops and black and white striped leggings. I would absolutely frequent a restaurant in which I was served by muscular men dressed in this particular ensemble, in case anyone is looking to open a new franchise.

They step to the stage and immediately star balancing one another. Jeff climbs atop Alan’s shoulders and does a Scooby impression. It’s pretty boring but at least Alan’s body is B-A-N-A-N-A-S. The grand finale has Jeff and Alan alternately doing somersaults and a shoulderstand with Scooby climbing atop them.

And now for the strangest performance, Ciara and Nicole train to learn how to perform as faux little people with comedy troupe The Quiddlers. God bless, those Quiddler guys are odd ducks. It turns out that they’re not actually on their knees, as I originally thought. They’re going to drag their legs behind them in the yoga cobra position the whole time. We are treated to a goofy workout montage of them in character. It’s…dumb. Sorry, it just is.

Gorgeous Nicole and Ciara look completely ridiculous as tiny Tina Turners, lip synching and dancing to “Proud Mary.” Truly, this is the stuff of nightmares. That said, everyone’s hair looks fabulous! Also, kudos to Marlon for calling them “quazy.” I am a sucker for goofy puns and dad jokes, y’all.

After the audience votes are tallied, Ciara and Nicole get third place, much to their chagrin. From there, we learn that Cheryl and Joe took the top prize, leaving Alan and Jeff in second place. Points are earned and we still have no idea what the end game is. A crockpot? Fuzzy teddy bear? It’s anyone’s guess.

Next we see the performances for next week. First is the Blue Man Group. Each of the celebs pretend to wait to see if the other one will do it when they all sprint up and it’s Alan who makes it to the top. I still think this part is super staged. Also, how can each challenge be each person’s life dream? Alan picks Joe, who is dressed like Spock tonight, incidentally, and I’m not hating the look.

Then, we meet The Dynamic Diplomats of Double Dutch, a jump-roping group. Ooh, this looks hard. Sexy Ciara shimmies to the top step. Good lord, this woman’s legs go up to her neck! She’s really making me reconsider my stance on high-waisted jeans. For her partner, she selects Cheryl. Can’t we just agree to drop the guise that this part isn’t completely scripted?

The last two standing are Nicole and Jeff. They learn that they are to perform stunts that involve shooting a crossbow at items held by a beautiful assistant under the tutelage of archer, Ben Blaque. Nicole looks sketched out and I suspect she shan’t be volunteering herself as tribute by way of holding an apple atop her head while funnyman Jeff whizzes arrows at her noggin.

But then again, we’ll have to tune in next week to see! Now, who’s taking bets on whether or not someone loses an eye? (The answer is: I am.)