‘I Can Do That’: Joe Jonas & Nicole Scherzinger Perform “It Sucks To Be Me” While Ciara Does A Split
For those of you with enough patience to endure another week of I Can Do That, I salute you. I also question your sanity, since I’m at least being paid to watch this. We have returned to see celebrity contestants Nicole Scherzinger, Joe Jonas, Ciara, Alan Ritchson, Cheryl Burke and comedian Jeff Dye perform yet another over-the-top act they learned only a week before, with the studio audience voting for their favorites of the night.
This installment was a veritable snoozefest after we spent most of last week’s episode freeze-framing the DVR to see just how much of her crotch Nicole Scherzinger was willing to flash to America. (The answer is “a lot.”) This week, there were a lot less splits (a paltry single one, this time performed by Ciara) but Scherzy did get a chance to show off her lovely singing voice and make beautiful music with former boy bander, Joe Jonas.
Host Marlon Wayans is still nursing his mysterious hand injury, again with a bandage perfectly coordinating with his suit. We also still know as little about the points system signifying how often each player has “won” during a performance as we do about Marlon’s busted hand. So far, Cheryl’s in the lead with 11 points and poor Ciara is pulling up the rear with 6 points. Again, no update on what the points signify. Maybe it’s a Weight Watchers thing and everyone gets an extra slice of cake at the end of the season?
A quick flashback reminds us that Cheryl and Jeff were the first to team up to perform with Pilobulus, a sort of performance art/dance/feats of strength group. I don’t know. In any case, Jeff and Cheryl have to wear shiny purple sateen unitards. Get ready for lots of jokes about Jeff’s junk, y’all!
Again, Cheryl can’t stress enough how what she’s training for is so different than ballroom dancing and therefore, definitely a challenge. Spoken with the faux humility of a woman with 11 points to her credit. The primary goal of their movements is to act like a single unit, as a robot-type figure with Jeff having to flip over everyone. His height (6’4″) proves to be a challenge for the dance troupe to lift and flip him. Similarly, Cheryl’s petite stature is an obstacle for her to hoist herself onto the raised glass stage. I bite my nails as I wonder, “Can they do it?”
During their performance, they enact a scene from outer space using shadows created from their bodies. The shadow spaceship and aliens are cool, I guess. At the end, they all writhe and move around like a sanitized version of The Human Centipede. It’s nothing mind-blowing, if you ask me, but to see Ciara’s reaction, you’d think they were juggling live hamsters while wearing flaming hula hoops.
Ultimately, there are lots of jokes about Jeff’s penis almost being exposed. Alan laughs a little too hard. Nobody cares what you think, Alan. Just take off your shirt, dummy, and leave the talking to people whose biggest claim to fame isn’t being a ninja turtle in a shitty remake.
Speaking of Alan, we’re reminded that he and Ciara are up for some kind of martial arts performance with The Jam Performance Team. During their training, Alan reveals in a confessional that he didn’t actually do most of his martial arts stunts as Raphael, the ninja turtle. Next thing he’s gonna tell us he didn’t eat any pizza either. After their training is over, we’re forced to watch some hokey, pulpy martial arts gag in which Alan and Marlon face off.
For his performance, Alan is once again shirtless. This is, of course, because Alan’s real talent is having muscles. Both he and Ciara look great in their coordinated red pleather outfits. The whole performance is pretty silly but at least Ciara managed to throw in the splits. To this, Joe cracks that the show’s new name is, I Can Do More Splits Than You. Ha! I’m loving sassy Joe this week.
For the last performance, it’s Joe and Nicole paired up to perform “It Sucks To Be Me” from Avenue Q. Since they’re both musicians, the training seems to go well. The biggest challenge appears to be the puppeteering aspect, since both appear to have little issue with the singing bit. After they’re done, we’re treated to another stupid gag about how the puppets are off lounging at the pool. I think Joe’s punishment for being funny is having to be in all of these jokey interstitials that never quite land.
When they’re introduced as the last act of the night, I enjoy that Marlon is never quite able to pronounce Nicole’s last name. Stepping out to the stage with her puppet on her arm, Nicole is giving me Jennifer Aniston with her straightened hair and demure outfit. She looks and sounds great, as does Joe, whose Kermit impression totally works for his little puppet character. I actually guffaw at his Jonas Brothers joke while they sing, “It Sucks To Be Me.” Nicole at one point says, “It’s pronounced Scherzinger!” Ha! Ya hear that, Marlon?
At the end of their performance, I’m convinced they’re going to win this week. Also, Joe trash-talking Alan is my new favorite thing.
After Marlon calls Joe “feisty,” we learn that Alan and Ciara are in third place for the week. To my shock, Joe and Nicole land in second place with Cheryl and Jeff taking the lead this time. Do they win immunity? A visit from their loved ones? We may never know.
Now for next week’s acts: First up is Burn the Floor, which is a ballroom dance troupe. It’s literally Cheryl’s day job. Even though Alan loudly declares, “I wish I could dance like that so bad,” he makes no effort to go up the steps. In fact, nobody moves. It’s at that point that Cheryl basically makes Jeff go up the steps. Cheryl says Jeff shouldn’t pick her because she would prefer a challenge, even after he tells her, “That’s why I wanted you, Ding Dong.” Ha! That kind of makes me love Jeff. Ciara finally convinces Jeff to pick her. Nicole reminds us that she’s Season 10 Dancing With The Stars champion. Jeff chooses to ignore this and then picks Ciara.
The second performance is called Skating Aratas. There’s more shirtless dude action, so I naturally assume Alan will be doing this one. It’s a man and woman on rollerskates. He spins around, whipping her body with her head always almost grazing the ground. It looks super dangerous and impossible to learn in a week. Shockingly, Joe picks this. If he’s smart, he’ll pick Alan to fling him around his neck. However, he opts to go with his partner from last week, Nicole.
The leftovers, Alan and Cheryl, are saddled with more aerial stunts. This time, it’s a dance routine that they have to perform while dangling from the ceiling on ropes. As for next week, it’s not clear whose crotch is going to be on display, but the potential for injury does sound promising. Till then!