‘I Can Do That’: Nicole Scherzinger And Joe Jonas Rollerskate To Victory
It’s hard to believe this is the last episode of I Can Do That before next week’s finale on Tuesday, June 30, and we still don’t know what grand prize our merry band of celebrities are competing to win. As a reminder, it’s Nicole Scherzinger, Joe Jonas, Ciara, Cheryl Burke, Alan Ritchson and Jeff Dye who represent the faces learning new and exciting acts from week to week. We, as the audience, get to witness exactly how much physical and emotional abuse celebrities are willing to experience for some network TV time.
Marlon Wayans plays host to these shenanigans, and arguably the most entertaining aspect of the show is his consistent mispronunciation of Nicole Scherzinger’s last name during the intro. This week, despite a head injury, Scherzy and Joe Jonas win big, and we’re treated to a sneak peek at the acts for next week’s finale, which includes Snoop Dogg and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
In this penultimate episode, we see that Dancing With The Stars alum Cheryl is in the lead with 11 points. But it’s still anyone’s game, according to Marlon, even though poor Ciara would beg to differ with her sad collection of points. Joe Jonas is keeping up his feisty streak from last week, talking shit to Ciara and Jeff, much to my delight.
First up to perform are Alan and Cheryl with Grounded Aerial. Cheryl, who has been destroying it in all the competitions, is trying to play up her fear of heights. Once the two begin their grueling training, they point out that it requires a lot of core strength. Muscleman Alan isn’t super graceful, but he’s clearly strong. We see lots of them swinging on ropes attached to their respective crotches, looking quite frustrated. At one point, Alan asks to be let down and says, “One of my nuts is getting crushed. I’m not sure where to put it.”
If that sounded like a vaguely sexual offer, than rest assured, the sounds of Alan screaming in pain over his constricted crotch on the final training day should clear your head of any innuendo. For the live performance, the pair manage (as always) to pull it together with a routine set to Maroon 5‘s “Animals.” The fact that they executed it with Alan not once screaming bloody murder about his poor, tortured balls means it was a rousing success. At the end, Jeff calls Cheryl out for faking a fear of heights to win votes. My thoughts exactly!
Ciara and Jeff paired up to learn a dance routine with Burn The Floor and we’re reminded of when Ciara revealed that she only had two days to do in-person training with Jeff. While she’s in NYC to promote her album, the singer Skypes with her partner to encourage him before his first training day. Jeff literally trips over his own feet during the session multiple times and it does not look like a bit; I genuinely believe he is this clumsy, which is kind of endearing.
In NYC, Ciara practices with her own instructor and she seems to be doing pretty well on her own, which is unsurprising, giving her dance background. Jeff practices without Ciara. On the final training day, Ciara rushes to go practice with Jeff. On the stage for their live set, Ciara is stunning with her long, flowy locks, a shiny, flapper-style dress and legs for days. Goofy Jeff cleans up quite nicely, in his gold vest and bow tie. As for the dancing, Jeff manages to deliver a solid performance (for a comedian) and Ciara, meanwhile, could tour with the troupe without missing a beat.
The final act of the night features Nicole and Joe with the Skating Aratas. Joe reveals that he has rollerskating experience — which, of course he does. He shows off by tap dancing in skates, while poor Nicole struggles to stand up at times. The three-person spin they are trying to learn looks potentially brain-damage-inducing. Nicole looks like she wishes they were shooting arrows at her head instead.
Joe initially struggles with the spinning around bit, but in the midst of all this, suddenly, Nicole gets super confident. She pushes herself and asks to do the trick where she’s being spun around the professional skater’s neck. During the process of learning this new, dangerous feat, Nicole bonks her head on the ground. The poor Doll is covered in bruises and sounds genuinely injured when she’s finally able to talk. I can’t help but wonder how badly this poor woman needs to revive her career. Someone give her a record deal before she gets sent to the hospital!
Joe and Nicole take to the stage in a Saturday Night Fever-themed routine. Nicole reminds us once again that she can do the splits, planting a leg firmly on Joe’s shoulder. After the already-challenging three-person spin, Nicole kicks it up a notch and completely nails the spin where the dude swings her around his neck. It’s called the headbanger for a reason, and I gotta give this woman her props when she once again nails it.
Now, it’s time to vote. I have to say, everyone was pretty impressive this week. Third place goes to Jeff and Ciara. Poor Ciara can’t catch a break. First place, deservedly goes to Joe and Nicole. Second place is reserved for Cheryl and Alan.
The acts for next week’s finale kick off with Snoop Dogg, who steps onto a Cannabis-themed stage for his performance of “Peaches N Cream.” I really, really want to see Alan do his best Snoop impression. I’m confident it would be both offensive and amazing. However, it’s funnyman Jeff, who locks it in after beating the rest of the contestants to the top step. Everyone campaigns to work with Jeff. Nicole reminds us that she’s worked with Snoop before on Pussycat Dolls single, “Buttons.” Personally, I would have picked Nicole, but Jeff ends up selecting Joe. This ought to be interesting.
The next act to the stage is the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Cheryl sprints to the top step. I feel like she’s gonna kill it. I’m not gonna lie, I think Alan would make a great cheerleader. Right? But when the ladies all simultaneously jump up into the splits, I think we all know who she needs to pick for her partner.
At one point, Joe makes a masturbation joke and gets a fist bump from Jeff. I love those two idiots.
Ciara and Nicole campaign for the spot, but the audience wants Alan. Cheryl ultimately goes with badass Nicole, which I believe is the right choice, meaning that poor Ciara is stuck with Alan and some leftover act that didn’t even make the cut for the promos for next week.
Then, the weirdest act of the season so far (and I’m including The Quiddlers on that list) takes to the stage and I have no idea how to describe it. Ciara looks pissed that she’s going to probably lose again next week, barely feigning interest — and I can’t blame her. It’s some weird doctor-type character with his nurse sidekick and they do some kind of weird choreographed thing with video screens, or iPads…I can’t tell. Ciara does her best to look into it, but it’s just so dumb, guys. They’re going up against Snoop and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. The best acting I bet Alan’s ever done is pretending to give a shit about this act.
So, next week we’ll get to see the big finale as the contestants perform with Snoop Dogg, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders and the performance art group Tell-a-Vision in the Season 1 finale. Join me then as we finally learn what this whole points business is about. Or not. Maybe that’s a reveal they’re saving for Season 2.