‘Scream Queens’: Murder In The “Pumpkin Patch,” But No Nick Jonas

Lisa Timmons | October 14, 2015 5:43 am
‘Scream Queens’: "Haunted House"
Surprise! Ariana Grande's corpse makes a cameo appearance.

The body count in episode five of Scream Queens (entitled “Pumpkin Patch”) is staggeringly low, with a single frat brother mortality. It seems our killer(s) is/are taking a little break from killing to dedicate some time to…romance? Zayday (Keke Palmer) finally turns up, but alas, still no word from hunky Nick Jonas, who we know is still alive…right?

It all starts with a viewer discretion warning from Fox. Please, if I were exercising discretion of any kind, I certainly would not be watching this trainwreck of a show. Thanks for the thought, though.

Chanel Oberlin AKA No. 1 (Emma Roberts) berates her remaining Chanels, Chanel No. 3 (Billie Lourd), Chanel No. 5 (Abigail Breslin) and last but not least, Hester AKA Chanel No. 6 (Lea Michele), while planning her big Halloween Pumpkin Patch fundraiser thing that I already forgot about.

Our big takeaway from this bitchfest is that she’s not happy with No. 5, who again threatens to leave, and that No. 1 is adamant her corn maze be an exact replica of the one from The Shining. Duly noted, writers.

We’re reminded of how minuscule this sorority is, with the Chanels traipsing and bickering through an enormous mansion. More fighting takes place in No. 1’s closet when she reveals that all the Chanels will be dressed as the first ladies of fallen presidents. Of course, she’s going to be Jackie O and has relegated the others to less glamorous widows. And have no fear, because an opportunity for a super topical Betty Ford joke is not wasted.

Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) has gathered the rest of the cast (including all members of the Kappa Kappa sorority and the Dicky Dollar Scholars) to announce that they are the “students most likely to be killed by the alleged psychopath.” She then proceeds to tell them Halloween is cancelled and there will be a curfew enforced.

Everyone responds in an uproar, including Grace (Skyler Samuels). But her issue is that nobody is looking for her missing bestie, Zayday. They respond that they’re doing all they can. Then, Dean Munsch peaces out at the grumbling about the Halloween cancellation by saying, “Sorry. Not sorry.” At this point, the dialogue has devolved to hashtags. I’m shocked it’s not straight emoji at this point.

On his way out, Chad (Glen Powell) compliments Hester’s boobs in front of No. 1 to add insult to injury. Next thing you know, Hester runs into the kitchen and tries to recruit No. 5 to her cause to dethrone No. 1. From there, they bribe Jennifer (Breezy Eslin) with promises of expensive candles to vote for Zaday. There are lots of Machiavellian antics that I’ll spare you guys.

 Chanel No. 1 gets interrupted being racist in class to get arrested. To her credit, I will say that her arrest outfit is beyond perfection. If I ever get caught doing (none of your business), I can only pray that my perp walk be that glamorous.

The other Chanels eat pretend dinner. Grace and Pete (Diego Boneta) show up to freak out more about the missing Zayday, but the other girls have about as many fucks to give about the situation as they have helpings of food on their plates — which is to say, none at all. Undeterred, Grace runs to her dad (Oliver Hudson), whom she interrupts boning Gigi (Nasim Pedrad) to the tune of “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles. Quickly recovering from the shock, they all agree to go hunt for Zayday.

Chanel is quickly bailed out of prison by No. 3 and Sam (Jeanna Han) and she immediately suspects it was No. 5 who ratted her out. She catches No. 5 dressed as Jackie O and then blackmails her into going into the pumpkin patch to light candles before curfew.

The Zayday fan club goes to Dean Munsch for help and she supplies security guard/private investigator Denise (Niecy Nash) to go help them. Denise still asserts that Zayday is the Red Devil, but she’s more than happy to try and find her. They get a map and do a lot of talking that makes Gigi look way too knowledgeable about the situation and eventually track Zaday’s location by using the GPS on her cell phone.

In the pumpkin patch, No. 5 and the two fratty twin boys she’s with get attacked by the Red Devil after some super wooden acting. No. 5 and one of the boy manages to escape.

Grace and the gang find the basement where the Red Devil’s clearly been sewing lots of Red Devil costumes and making Zayday’s favorite nachos. After splitting up and sleuthing around, here’s what we leave with: Zayday’s no longer there and Gigi seems to get attacked, but it looks super fishy that the Red Devil got away without killing her for a second time.

Back at the Kappa Kappa house, No. 1 tries to force a vote while Zayday’s still missing but then our heroine turns up just in time. Zayday tells them that the Red Devil didn’t hurt her, but appeared to be trying to woo her. Once he pulled her up out of her Silence Of The Lambs-esque basement prison pit, she attacked him with a fork and ran straight to the Kappa Kappa house. Grace arrives to corroborate Zayday’s story. They hug and Chanel No. 1 remains furious.

The final sequence features Gigi walking alone at night on the campus trailed by the Red Devil. Oh but lo and behold, when the Red Devil rounds a corner, he finds himself facing her. With crossed arms and an annoyed expression, she says, “That got way out of hand. He’s gotta go. You understand me.”

And with that, we see that Gigi’s hiding some pretty dark secrets in those giant front pleats of hers. Beware, Grace’s DILTF dad!