Idolator’s American Idolatry: Minneapolis Or “Mini-Hopeless”?

The sixth season of American Idol kicked off last night, and your Idolators tuned in for a brand-new feature that we’re calling “Idolator’s American Idolatry.” After each show, we’ll provide a rundown for you, including standout contestants, sour notes, and updates on Paula Abdul’s addled state.

After the jump, we give a run-down of the first audition special, which culled material from the tryouts held in Minneapolis, which Randy Jackson dubbed “Mini-Hopeless” after a particularly brutal audition by a chick who claimed that she was “BFF” with the show. (Thanks to deathbycamera, who undertook the Herculean task of finding some contestants’ MySpace pages.)

This round was sort of suspect to us, because somehow the people behind yodeling cowgirl Jewel managed to convince Simon Cowell and company that she was worthy of a guest-judge slot–come on, her mewly voice and crooked teeth would have resulted in her being laughed out of the room as soon as she started warbling. Still, there were a few semi-decent performances sprinkled throughout the show, although we felt bad for the poor girl who got laughed at by Jewel after an admittedly brutal take on “Who Will Save Your Soul.” Way to go, Jewel; you made your biggest fan cry.

Other highlights:

HARDEST-LUCK WINNER: Nearly everyone who got through to the next round had some sort of Lifetime movie-ready story in their hip pocket–the Army reservist with the husband in Iraq, the Shakira wannabe who lived in a car for a few months, and the kid who just wanted his mom to love him. But the clear winner in this round is self-proclaimed crack baby Denise Jackson, who also took the ballsy route, belting out a rendition of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” that almost made Paula Abdul wake up.

WE CAN’T BELIEVE SHE ISN’T A FURRY: Trista Giese, who tried to impress Seacrest with her Cowardly Lion imitation, then sang her audition song in the same voice.

MOST ILL-ADVISED TACTIC FOR “STANDING OUT”: Shakira-be Perla Meneses, who attempted to flirt with Ryan Seacrest before her audition.

BEST RETORT: Via Jesse Holloway, a whispery-voiced kid who took time out of his audition to fetch himself a drink of water: “When’s the last time Paula made a hit record?” If only he’d thrown down that comeback in the room; perhaps it would have snapped her out of her stupor.

OH, HONEY QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Juggler/dancer/singer Jason Anderson, after being rejected: “16 years old, and I wanted to start out famous.” You could almost feel all of America cringe for him.

PAULA ABDUL OUT-OF-IT SCALE: 7 out of 10. Bobbing and weaving in her chair, clutching her Coca-Cola cup like it was last call, slurring her way through an argument with Simon–well, maybe she was listening to another city’s auditions at the same time.

American Idol [Official site] American Idol Myspace Hunt: Round #1 [deathbycamera]