12. Mariah Carey, “Touch My Body”
The warning about any Mariah sex tapes showing up on YouTube is fleeting, but the video for this 2008 track—featuring 30 Rock‘s Jack McBrayer as a Geek Squadder of sorts—makes me wonder if other references to the Internet were edited out of the lyrics. (“I will hunt you down… on MySpace“?) Maybe that’s why she’s saying her new album is apparently going to have something called a “Twitter influence”?
11. Black Eyed Peas, “Now Generation”
I’m pretty sure that this track from the Peas’ new album The E.N.D. is going to be turned into another will.i.am-branded Pepsi ad within the next few months (c’mon, why else would it use the word “generation”), but for now, let’s all collectively shudder at the notion that Google can be anyone’s professor.
10. Brittney Cleary, “IM Me”
Cleary was only 14 when she released this 2002 ode to the wonders of instant electronic communication—then, having signed to Jive, she was required to change her stage name to “Nikki” because of the other Britney on that label’s roster. Her buddy list never recovered
9. Teyana Taylor, “Google Me”
You may not be surprised that the young woman singing this ode to self-searching was featured on My Super Sweet 16 a whole year before this egomaniacal 2008 track came out. And now, of course, people are taking heed of her command, thanks to her being spotted out and about with Chris Brown.
8. Grafh, “MySpace Jump-Off”
A filthy ode to turning MySpace friendships into real-life sexing that was popular enough to inspire T-shirts during the now-dusty social-networking site’s 2006 heyday. It also uses a “boing” sound effect, just in case you were not sure what the term “jump-off” actually meant.
7. Aaron Carter, “My Internet Girl”
Carter’s high, reedy voice on this track about his “secret” Internet girlfriend makes me wonder just how old he’s claiming to be in his profiles. Chris Hansen, are you out there?
6. Todd Rundgren, “I Hate My Frickin’ ISP”
I wanted to include at least one track that reached back to the days of SLIP connections and Web sites that overused nested tables.
5. Britney Spears, “E-Mail My Heart”
We’ve all been where the Britney of this song is: Bleary-eyed, sad, and waiting for someone to just write back. (I’m kind of jealous of people who lived during the physical-love-letter age, because it was much easier to go out and have a life while you were waiting for someone to write you back.)
4. Destiny’s Child, “Bug-A-Boo”
I would love for DC to record a sequel to this track, because there are so many new ways to annoy the crap out of people online now. You can swap “MCI” with “Facebook Chat,” for starters!
3. “Weird Al” Yankovic, “White & Nerdy”
Yeah, it’s a gimme, and yeah, it’s pretty much a play for the Internet’s “home team” of geeks. But how can you not love a song that has Wikipedia-borne jokes about the suckiness of Atlantic Records in its video?
2. Paul Wall, “Internet Going Nuts”
The hyperdescriptive nature of this song’s title will probably outlive us all.
1. Prozzak, “www.nevergetoveryou”
Sure, the titular URL is malformed. And yes, using the “new message” sound from the musty old chat program ICQ renders the whole thing a little dated. But how can you not love a track that has as its plotline the creation of a Web site about the narrator’s romantic sadness:
I stayed up all night
Just click on our fight
And watch me crying
‘Cause you said you were scared and should probably stick to the Internet
And it hurts because deep down inside I believe we are more than friends
And if you ever change your mind
Here’s where you can find me