We all know that Britney Spears’ Femme Fatale has found its inevitable way to her fans’ ears before its official release date, though we had no idea we would get to listen to the whole thing this early. Instead of posting a formal review, however, we’ve decided to wade through the 12 tracks on Britney’s latest LP and offer you a numerical experience with which to enjoy the album. (FYI, expect the numbers to change when we finally hear the additional four songs included in the deluxe edition.) 1, 2, 3, Peter Paul and Mary, jump below for Femme Fatale – By The Numbers!
BRITNEY SPEARS’ FEMME FATALE BY THE NUMBERS
Number of songs that are about Britney hooking up with a stranger at a club: 6 (“Hold It Against Me”, “Seal It With A Kiss”, “Till The World Ends”, “How I Roll”, “Big Fat Bass,“(Drop Dead) Beautiful”)
Number of songs not about Britney hooking up: Zero
Number of cat references: 2 (“This kitten got your tongue tied in knots…” from “Till The World Ends”, and “Got nine lives like a kitty cat” in “How I Roll”)
Number of dog references: 1 (“He’s a dog astray” from “Criminal”)
Number of references to “the floor”: 4 (“Till The World Ends”; “Big Fat Bass”; “Gasoline”; “on the dancefloor” in “Trouble For Me”)
Number of bad pick-up lines: 3 (“If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?” and “You feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight,” from “Hold It Against Me”, and “Your body looks so sick I think I caught the flu” from “(Drop Dead) Beautiful”)
Number of sly references to erect male genitalia: 2 (“It must be B-I-G because you got me hypnotized… Cause what I’m looking at right now would make a big girl cry” from “(Drop Dead) Beautiful”; the bass continuing to get bigger and bigger throughout “Big Fat Bass”)
Number of references to killing someone/death: 5 (the chorus of “(Drop Dead) Beautiful”; “Dying for company” (not to mention the apparent impending apocalypse) in “Till The World Ends”; “You set me on fire” refrain from “Gasoline”; “Hope to die” from “Seal It With A Kiss”; “He’s a killer just for fun” from “Criminal”)
Number of All About Eve quotes re-purposed to apply to hooking up: 1 (“Fasten up your seat belt, it’s gon’ be a bumpy ride” from “(Drop Dead) Beautiful”)
Number of different types of alcohol Britney drinks without a mixer: 2 (Tequila on the rocks in “How I Roll”; whiskey straight in “Trouble For Me”)
Number of times it sounds like Britney is having an orgasm: 2 (Very beginning of “How I Roll”; breakdown of “Gasoline”)
Fruit shout-out: 1 (“Wanna taste forbidden fruit” in “Seal It With A Kiss”)
Number of songs mentioning Britney flying/changing altitude: 3 (“Trip To Your Heart”, “Big Fat Bass”, “How I Roll”)
Number of songs addressing the DJ directly: 2 (“Till The World Ends”, “Big Fat Bass”)
Number of times sex/love is referred to as a trip/vacation: 2 (The chorus of “Trip To Your Heart”; “You feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight” in “Hold It Against Me”)
Amount of dubstep: A lot
Number of Britney fragrance shout-outs: 1 (“Your body feels like fantasy” in “Trip To Your Heart”)
Number of references to past Britney songs in the chorus of “Inside Out”: 2 (“…Baby One More Time” and “(Drive Me) Crazy”, which also makes an appearance in a lyric from “Trouble For Me”)
Number of times a G-rated word is made to sound like a much dirtier word: 2 (“You can be my thug tonight” and “Go downtown where my posse’s at” in “How I Roll”. How “If You Seek Amy” of Brit & Co.!)
Average amount of times we’ve listened to this album since Friday: About five trillion.
We know each and every one of you loyal Britney fans are waiting patiently until the album is officially released to legally procure it for your various music-playing devices — but if you’ve heard Femme Fatale‘s 12 tracks on assorted Internet sites, what are your thoughts? Better than Blackout? Or is it impossible to pit genius against genius?