As you might heave heard, Britney Spears is back, in all of her bolero-bustin’, gum-chewing glory. But how long will this last? Once again, Idolator presents The Trajectory(TM pending), in which we chart an important musical event before it happens.
May 5th, 2007: On the heels of her successful performances in such musically rich, media-saturated hotbeds as San Diego and Anaheim, Spears turns down a gig at a Señor Frogs in Myrtle Beach, apparently worried that the crowd may be “too friggin’ upscale.”
May 11th, 2007: Under the headline “Britney Seers?”, TMZ.com reports that Spears has been using a psychic to receive career advice from the not-actually-dead ghost of Joey Heatherton.
May 20th, 2007: Recording commences on Spears’ fifth album, Genderification.
May 27th, 2007: During the season finale of American Idol, Spears makes a surprise cameo as a guest judge, during which she chides Simon Cowell for “totally kicking off Laura Sangiacomo or whoever” before stealing two wraparound-mic kits.
June 28th, 2007: Spears’ first single, “Lust And Found,” is leaked to the Internet. Reaction is mixed: While the song receives heavy airplay around the country, the singer is stung by a Pitchfork review that calls the track “a synth-smothered electro-pop hors d’oeuvre… it pines without opining, and humps without happenstance.”
July 4th, 2007: During a heavily promoted appearance on ABC’s holiday special America: Still Liked By Someone, Somewhere, Spears is caught lip-synching, forcing producers to cut away to a live shot of Daryl Worley feeding a newborn bald eagle out of his own mouth.
July 24th, 2007: Under the headline “Britney Steers?”, TMZ.com embeds a 26-minute video clip of the singer’s parked car.
August 11th, 2007: Genderification is released worldwide, and after embarking on a 21-city promotional tour, Spears announce that she’ll be retiring from show business at the end of the year, in order to pursue bronzing full-time.