Posts tagged "The Trajectory"

Predicting Britney Spears’ Comeback Tour, In Y’All Its Glory

spearscomeback.jpgAs you might heave heard, Britney Spears is back, in all of her bolero-bustin’, gum-chewing glory. But how long will this last? Once again, Idolator presents The Trajectory(TM pending), in which we chart an important musical event before it happens.

May 5th, 2007
: On the heels of her successful performances in such musically rich, media-saturated hotbeds as San Diego and Anaheim, Spears turns down a gig at a Señor Frogs in Myrtle Beach, apparently worried that the crowd may be “too friggin’ upscale.”

May 11th, 2007: Under the headline “Britney Seers?”, reports that Spears has been using a psychic to receive career advice from the not-actually-dead ghost of Joey Heatherton.

May 20th, 2007: Recording commences on Spears’ fifth album, Genderification.

May 27th, 2007: During the season finale of American Idol, Spears makes a surprise cameo as a guest judge, during which she chides Simon Cowell for “totally kicking off Laura Sangiacomo or whoever” before stealing two wraparound-mic kits.

June 28th, 2007: Spears’ first single, “Lust And Found,” is leaked to the Internet. Reaction is mixed: While the song receives heavy airplay around the country, the singer is stung by a Pitchfork review that calls the track “a synth-smothered electro-pop hors d’oeuvre… it pines without opining, and humps without happenstance.”

July 4th, 2007: During a heavily promoted appearance on ABC’s holiday special America: Still Liked By Someone, Somewhere, Spears is caught lip-synching, forcing producers to cut away to a live shot of Daryl Worley feeding a newborn bald eagle out of his own mouth.

July 24th, 2007: Under the headline “Britney Steers?”, embeds a 26-minute video clip of the singer’s parked car.

August 11th, 2007: Genderification is released worldwide, and after embarking on a 21-city promotional tour, Spears announce that she’ll be retiring from show business at the end of the year, in order to pursue bronzing full-time.

The Trajectory: Plotting The PLUG Awards

As you might have heard, the annual Plug Awards–a not-at-all-unnecessary event in which indie types celebrate other, indier types–will be held tomorrow night in New York City. We’re going, mostly because we have to, and because we’ve always wondered what it would be like to lose an award in public. But how will the night shake out for everyone else? After the click-through, our predictions.

8:02 P.M. – Host David Cross opens with a series of daring jokes about religion and George Bush.

8:27 P.M. – Joanna Newsom leaves after her backstage-rider demands for “3 Evian bottles, 6 towels, and three horned troll princesses” are not met by promoters.

8:53 P.M. – In the first upset of the night, the rap-confused voting body rewards the Black Angels with the Hip-Hop Album Of The Year award.

9:12 P.M. - While accepting the Best Music Blog award, BrooklynVegan is upstaged by Scott Stereogum, who re-enacts Suge Knight’s 1995 Source Awards tirade in full.

9:46 P.M. – Cross pauses mid-show to deliver a series of daring jokes about religion and George Bush.

10:12 P.M. The Jicks act like Jercks.

10:40 P.M. Christine Lahti rushes back from the bathroom in time to present the Best College/Non-Comm Radio Station Of The Year award.

11:02 P.M. – The nominees are read aloud for Female Arist Of The Year, and after hearing names like “Cat Power,” “Jenny Lewis,” and “Neko Case” in quick succession, the crush-prone audience members let out a collective sigh so loud, it sets off the fire alarm. As the crowd rushes for the exit, Cross takes to the stage to call for order, and to deliver a series of daring jokes about religion and George Bush.

The Trajectory: Predicting How Long The Police Reunion Will Last Before Someone Turns On A Red Light

From time to time, Idolator foretells the future with The Trajectory(TM), in which we chronicle an important musical event before it even occurs. After the click-through, our predictions for the Police reunion, which will start with a Grammy-opening performance on Feb. 11:

May 26 – A 45-city tour kicks off in Philadelphia, and almost immediately, old rifts begin to flare up: When Summers flubs his “de da da da” line, Sting chides him on stage for committing “a do do do don’t.”

June 4 - For the third night in a row, Stewart Copeland floats the idea of “doing this one Animal Logic number, just to see how it works,” necessitating separate tour buses.

June 14 - The Police play the Bonaroo festival, which–much to Sting’s dismay–has nothing to due with ruing Bono.

June 23 - The band attempts to scale down production costs by limiting the number of sleeveless T-shirts to three (3) per member.

July 5 - At night, while on the road to Tempe, Ariz., Sting dreams of the blue turtles.

July 24 - The tour ends in Los Angeles, where the band members are feted by such backstage guests as Bob Geldof, David Bowie, and Mr. Peeps, the canary whose life served as the basis for “Canary In A Coalmine.” Afterward, Copeland goes back to Oysterhead, Summers returns to film work, and Sting starts looking around for a clavichord technician who makes house calls.

The Trajectory: Predicting Van Halen’s Inevitable Reunion-Tour Eruption

For the twelfth time in the last decade or so, there’s talk that a reunion between oft-grinning skeleton Eddie Van Halen and beloved morning-radio DJ David Lee Roth could actually happen. Herewith, Idolator presents The Trajectory(TM), a new feature in which we chronicle an important musical event before it even occurs. Our predictions for Eddie and Dave’s next adventure:

1/12/07: Roth and the Van Halen brothers meet at a Hamburger Hamlet outside of LAX (it’s Dave’s treat) to discuss the possibility of a reunion tour. Because all of them are in need of extra money–particularly Alex Van Halen, whose aviator-sunglasses addiction is described as “crippling”–they agree to a three-month jaunt.

3/18/07: The contracts are finalized, though Roth’s last-minute insistence that every legal document be appended with a “Skebadee-skebadee-woo-ah!” scat causes concern within management.

4/1/07: The group holds a press conference on the Sunset Strip to announce the tour. Roth insists on wearing overalls, a bowler hat, and roller skates; Eddie Van Halen announces that he has stopped smoking cigarettes, but will continue to eat two packs a day.

4/2/07: Sammy Hagar appears on the Howard Stern show to attack the reunion, and to promote his new line of “Wabo Wasabi” sauces.

5/11/07: The tour opens in Anaheim, Ca. Roth’s backstage entourage includes fourteen strippers, three nurses, and one stripper dressed as a nurse.

6/08/07: While playing a gig in Philadelphia, Roth hits several bad notes. He leaves the stage after Wolfgang Van Halen taunts him by saying, “Oh, you ate one, two?”

7/23/07: Backstage at the tour-closing final show, Roth and the Van Halen brothers feud loudly over royalty points on the band’s merch, which includes a $75 sweatband. The three storm off separately, vowing to never speak again.

7/24/07: Rumors of the VH2008 tour begin to circulate on the Internet.