Live-Blogging The 2008 Video Music Awards: No Britney, No Peace
Oh HI! It’s dickdogfood. I welcome you to Idolator’s liveblog of the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards. Now before I became a quasi-anonymous commentator legend, I was known as Michael Daddino. (I still am, in certain obscure circles.) Once, during that long-gone era, I watched 24 hours of MTV and wrote about it on the internet in real-time; thus the concept of the liveblog was forged in the smithy of my soul. And today I return to my old stomping grounds, all Proverbs 26:11-style, to point and laugh at…well, what’s it going to be today, kiddies? What’s it gonna be? Contrite Britney? Egotasmic Kanye? The JoBros making their inevitable Fleet Foxes move? Nickleodeon crossovers? Candidate cameos? Overrehearsed spontaneity? Underwhelming medleys? Regrettable covers? A smidge of actual entertainment? Yes, we are likely to get them all: the stars will it so. The handwringing and the laughter begin after the jump.
7:50 p.m. Hey NeverEnough, I actually saw the 1st VMAs back in 1984 (I voted for ALL FIVE people’s choice award nominees), and that alone earns me a free pass on the Logan’s Run merry-go-round of death.
7:55 p.m. Thankfully we’re going to have an appearance by Michael Phelps tonight–somebody with a freakish body-part below the neck for a change of pace.
8:02 p.m. How out-of-the-loop am I? On the screen is Lauren Conrad. Initially I thought she was Tila Tequila.
8:05 p.m. I think Taylor Swift just said this was her first CMAs ever.
8:07 p.m. I’m not sure what the helicopter adds to anything other than MTV’s bills. Certainly they don’t make the interviews seem more lively.
8:09 p.m. Bill Kaulitz’ hair puts John Norris’ into horrifying relief. Beware, Bill–this could happen to you!
8:12 p.m. I hope Tokio Hotel win something, though. Cute German accents!
8:15 p.m. T-Pain’s elephantine and krump-soaked red carpet entrance is the one to beat for tonight. Surely right now Kanye just nervously ordered sperm whales for his.
8:18 p.m. Ha, I bet Sway’s helicopter isn’t even off the ground.
8:21 p.m. Oh, finally I get to see Microft’s shoe commercial.
8:24 p.m. The live-via-helicopter Panic at the Disco interview cannot hide the fact that industry events probably bore musicians senseless, even with road games.
8:28 p.m. Taylor, Katy, and Miley: just kiss each other already, gawd.
8:28 Huh, I vaugely imagined Kid Rock was some kind of rap-hater. This promised duet-thing with Lil Wayne smacks of the rather played-out OMG TOTALLY UNEXPECTED demographic mash-up games MTV has been foisting on the VMAs since at least Busta Rhymes and Martha Stewart presented an award together way way way back when.
8:33 This British presenter–not sure who he is–along with Russell Brand may herald a new attempt by MTV to position all things from the other side of the puddle as “cool.”
8:36 p.m. Some kind of…dance-off…thing. It only makes me sad that they soundtrack one dance with Ne-Yo, because Ne-Yo’s not here and I’d totally rather see him tonight than about 80% of the acts that’ll appear.
8:38 p.m. I don’t actually believe Sway’s helicopter is in the air and I don’t actually believe the car they’re filming has the Jonas Brothers and I don’t actually believe that’s the Jonas Brothers speaking and not some self-aware Autotune plug-in.
8:42 p.m. A new Pepsi commercial soundtracked by “What Is Love?” Sure, he was a one-hit wonder–but by now, Haddaway’s royalties probably make him richer than Chris Kattan.
8:44 p.m. Christina Aguilera is supposedly singing “Genie in the Bottle” with some kind of surprise arrangement tonight. If she does this with the Strokes–or the Strokes manqué–it will be admirable but seven years too late, and seven years is like a whole generation in rock.
8:46 p.m. Slipknot, wearing their dads’ ties unironically.
8:47 p.m. Perhaps like you, I spent the afternoon wondering what Britney’s gonna say tonight. I was hoping she’d be onstage in a big comfy chair, and give a little confessional and low-key speech with a few jokes and apologies thrown in. Eventually I realized I was that close to writing fan-fic. But then again, so many op-ed columnists do essentially the same thing when they write here’s-what-Obama/McCain-SHOULD-say-in-tonight’s-speech columns.
8:50 p.m. I’d also rather see Ashlee perform tonight than 80% of the other folks, too.
8:53 p.m. Hairspray doesn’t cause global warming (anymore), Paramore lady!
8:55 p.m. Oh Oh Oh! I forgot to mention that Maura Johnston is supposed to be on the red carpet tonight! I haven’t seen her since, you know, I’ve furiously typing nonsense for the last hour.
8:57 p.m. Taco Bell’s Frutista. Finally, a fruit smoothie for Fulgencio Batista.
8:58 p.m. I honestly and stupidly wish Benji and Paris really do love each other and will stay married forever.
9:00 p.m. OK, good, this is good. Britney starts with comedy, one of her strong suits.
9:02 p.m. And she’s wearing a nice, fitting dress. Quite sexy. All the right notes so far.
9:04 p.m.The 25th anniversary? Wait, 2008 minus 25 is…um…wait.
9:05 p.m. Wow, amazingly SMALL audience for tonight!
9:06 p.m. So she goes for a big giant Goth wedding cake this year. Is there any context Rihanna wouldn’t look good in?
9:09 p.m. So that was it for Britney? Everybody’s gonna be disappointed. They even had Britney in the bus ads in New York City and all they give us is a pre-taped comedy short!
9:12 p.m. Russell Brand: mentioning the RNC convention so you know the jokes are fresh.
9:14 p.m. Oh wow wow wow Brand goes from the partisan to the utterly tasteless (Joe Jackson’s belt), dude’s gonna be roasted tomorrow.
9:16 p.m. So after that monologue, I think it’s safe to say Obama nor McCain won’t be giving a little speech to TEH KIDZ tonight.
9:17 p.m. The length of Foxx’s little bit suggests some serious last-minute padding was needed.
9:18 p.m. Are they gonna seriously punk Britney or Mariah this year?
9:19 p.m. Well, no missteps tonight, Brit. But is that all we can expect from you?
9:21 p.m. That thing with Lauren and Spencer was beyond all comprehension. I was typing something and all of sudden Spencer was doing this rhyming stuff and I was scared and wanted somebody to hold me. COINTREAU TIME!
9:25 p.m. I am glad I got the right answer for the bit of VMA trivia they’re flashing during the commercial. It makes me feel smart. Madonna has performed more times on the VMAs than any other performer. Honestly, who would’ve guessed?
9:27 p.m. There are 13 awards, with six having been handed out before 9, leaving seven awards in 2.25 hours. That calls for a LOT of padding.
9:28 p.m. Demi Moore is one of these people from The Hills, I take it. She’s obviously a new-comer because she doesn’t enough to keep the mike from blocking her face.
9:30 p.m. I can tell why the Jonas Brothers chose this fake-NYC stoop acoustic set-up for this performance–it shows they can really play their instruments, and by sitting down, it minimizes Joe’s chance to fall.
9:33 p.m. I don’t think I hate the Jonas Brothers, but the dealbreaker is their voices, which is way too neotenic for my tastes: the incomplete whines, cracks, high-pitchedness. Pleasingly overwrought arrangement of “Lovebug” here, though.
9:35 p.m. Katy Perry’s version of “Like A Virgin”: farce, right?
9:39 p.m. Because Russell Brand was in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, you see, that’s why the DVD is advertised tonight. SYNERGY.
9:40 p.m. If that’s all we’re going to get of “I Kissed a Girl” tonight, then bravo, MTV, that’s an unexpected show of good sense.
9:41 p.m. I sense there’s a bright young superstar athlete who won’t be making any acting turns any time soon.
9:43 p.m. Lil Wayne should be pretty fucking significant enough to not have to stand for being trapped in a medley with Leona Lewis.
9:44 p.m. So what does the hanky code say about wearing a red shirt in your right back pocket? Seriously, though, this is pretty fucking hot, though.
9:46 p.m. Lil Wayne should be pretty fucking significant enough to not have to stand for being trapped in a medley with T-Pain.
9:47 p.m. Oh, Lindsay: so cute with the androgyne tux shirt! AC/DC, LOL!
9:48 p.m. Ha, about half of the Danity Kane video has them lying down. Still, miles ahead better than that CLUNKY Pussycat Dolls track and video.
9:49 p.m. And then they all lezzed up! (cf. ye olde ILx meme, can’t resist, sorry.)
9:53 p.m. Chris Brown: shill for Wrigley. I wouldn’t mind quite so much if he OWNED it, you know? If he didn’t look so damned sheepish in the Wrigley photo ops.
9:56 p.m. Hey kids, do what I did back at the first VMAs in 1984: completely negate your impact by voting for all people’s choice nominees.
9:59 PLEASE DON’T TOUCH YOUR LADYPARTS, PARAMORE SINGER PERSON!
10:00 (Would I be grossed out or amused if Joe Jonas touched his ladyparts onstage, though? Hmm.)
10:06 p.m. It’s a good sign that so far the most DO NOT WANT MOMENT so far has been the Vince Vaughn romantic comedy ad.
10:08 p.m. All right, Russell Brand. So you want to fuck the Jonas Brothers like every red-blooded American male, WE GET IT.
10:09 Slash: also available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
10:12 Someday we’ll all look at this Miley Cyrus/Bill Kaulitz Rock band 2 in-show ad with the same cringing fascination as Bette Midler and Dan Akroyd’s dancing in astronaut outfits back in ’84.
10:14 p.m. Amazingly, P!nk is now one of the more experienced musicians onstage tonight…and man, with the blaring and overdone “rock” sound of her band, it feels like it.
10:17 p.m. What’s awkward about the Rock Band 2 skit is that software isn’t the thing that MTV best shills for. What MTV excels at shilling is itself.
10:21 p.m. Oh, I was hoping they’d show the Ting Tings’ video with all the endless corridor of magic vaginas.
10:23 p.m. Russell, shut the fuck. UP. Pete and Ashlee are way cuter than you! Go away Russell!
10:24 p.m. Slipknot onstage…with someone in a mask who doesn’t belong! Another attempt at OMG SURPRISE fizzles into pools of regret and tears. That’s the “McLovin” guy, right?
10:26 p.m. Ha ha ha Jordin Sparks gives a dig at Brand. And here’s John Legend, more taste than charisma, which is not always an aesthetic liability but here, it’s eh.
10:28 p.m. I want more set pieces on this show! A video awards show should theoretically have performances that are more like video performances, right? Maybe?
10:32 p.m. Rihanna looking like…P!nk. Without the pink. Sunglasses are a bad idea at these things: surely I can’t be the only person who thinks “reading cue cards” when they see them on live TV.
10:33 p.m. What does it say about the zeitgeist when tonight there have been two commercials–one for Christina Aguilera’s perfume, the other for Rhapsody–with magic bubbles?
10:35 p.m. I am faintly pleased that LL Cool J is now mainstream enough–or the mainstream is now hip-hop enough–to get his own line of clothes at Sears.
10:39 p.m. Well, Christina doesn’t go the superobvious Strokes route for “Genie in a Bottle,” instead doing something a little more, ah, Eurythmic-y. Good for her! Kinda hot. And is that schaffel I hear? Why yes, a bit of a cliché, but always appreciated.
10:41 p.m. I think everybody’s going to point out that Christina’s routine is exactly the type of thing Britney could be doing these days, but won’t–or can’t.
10:42 p.m. OH GOD. Brand’s “piss-off”/”piss on” R. Kelly joke is maybe the most tasteless thing I can remember the VMAs doing in recent memory.
10:43 p.m. The cute German guys with the cute German accents–Bill giggles like a girl, so charmante–won!
10:45 p.m. Bill Cantiello is a cute douche dude with awesome hair. Sorry I can’t phrase that with more panache, but…oh look, a huge distracting thing! [Regretful morning-after edit: I apologize Mr. Cantiello, that was dumb and mean of me.]
10:48 p.m. PEOPLE, THIS IS IMPORTANT: if you want to follow along with the comments go to feed://idolator.com/comments.xml — we’re not sure why they’re not showing up.
10:51 p.m. So yes, again: the comments are at feed://idolator.com/comments.xml
Paris is less together than Britney tonight!
10:52 p.m. Any word on who Britney just hugged?
10:55 p.m. Oh hi everyone! Still here, just bitching offline for a sec. Wait, Tag Body Spray has a record label?
10:58 p.m. Hey, if you’re still interesting in making comments or some such, GO HERE: //www.idolator.com/400992/temporary-vma-comments-thread
11:00 p.m. Oooh, depressingly unsmooth hip-hop punch-in in this Kid Rock performance.
11:03 p.m. Now WTF was I thinking when I said Kid Rock was a hip-hop hater earlier? Kinda forgot like MOST OF HIS CAREER there!
11:05 p.m. Kid’s song, though. Ergh. I like him, but he’s finally hit upon something as uninspired as Uncle Kracker’s “Drift Away” cover. He’s…he’s the American Oasis now.
11:09 p.m. Adam Corrolla: once again trying to save Male America from food fagginess. FECK IM.
11:05 p.m. Kanye’s got five minutes (+/- a few) to save the world.
11:12 p.m. Brit does a hat trick. Seems very obvious in retrospect, doesn’t it?
11:15 p.m. Look, it’s Kanye! Attractive song (new?), but it seems very straight R&B for him. On the other hand, “I love you when I want to” is a good, self-loathing lyric.
11:19 p.m. And now we get into the credits and more interminable Russell Brand ad-libbing.
11:21 Suprisingly tasteful suit for Perez there. Seriously, I’m a ho for plaid and plaid suits are gonna be hot this year, I hear. Bill Kaulitz: thin, gawky, pale–even Kompakt doesn’t have a more adorable German than he.
11:23 p.m. Maura (or Pareene) should be standing where Perez is now! NO JUSTICE NO PEACE!
11:28 p.m. I could part with some reflective words on what we’ve just seen tonight, but I have temporarily lost all ability to reflect on the past, which I think is just the way MTV likes it. With that, I bid you adieu.
