The Clay Aiken NSFW Fan-Fiction Round-Up: Prepare To Squirm

Oct 23rd, 2006 // 23 Comments

One thing you learn from going on a Clay Aiken web-bender is that many of his fans have dirty, dirty thoughts about their favorite red-head, which they express through some of the most nauseating fan fiction we’ve ever had the displeasure of reading. We spent the morning scouring Clay’s Haven, a collection of unecessarily lengthy (and unimaginably bawdy) Clay Aiken fantasies; after a good hour or so of de-licing, we compiled some of the entrants below. Can you spot the fake?

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Clay’s Haven

  1. Ned Raggett

    For the love of god, he’s GAY.

    That’s kinda the point!

  2. Butch Huskey

    interesting tidbit

    all Clay Aiken fan fiction includes the phrase

    “he removed my glasses and mounted my 300 pound frame”

  3. DeeJayQueue

    Yeah, I was gonna call shenanigans on them because 3 out of 4 mentioned women.

  4. Anonymous

    This is fascinating actually… couldn’t this be considered a qualifier for when someone has truly broken loose from reality? When does the line blur between writer of “fan-fiction” and straight up stalker?

    I need a shower and a scotch.

  5. Chris Molanphy

    For the love of god, he’s GAY.

    That’s kinda the point!

    Well, kinda – the real point is that these are people with the worst gaydar in history. Or a need for some seriously twerky wish-fulfillment…

  6. Nicolars

    I know I should be disturbed, but instead this has just been making me laugh. What kind of person fantasizes about Clay? I think the people who write about having sex with ET are probably more mentally healthy.

  7. ohHELLnaw

    We soooo need a Clay

  8. ohHELLnaw

    We sooooo need a Clay Aiken slash fiction writing contest.

  9. ohHELLnaw

    Goddamn double post… what I meant to say was that we soooo need a Clay Aiken slash writing contest. Anyone?

  10. sarahblooms

    “I think the people who write about having sex with ET are probably more mentally healthy.”

    We are.

  11. ohHELLnaw

    Oops. Lemme try this again. We soooo need a Clay Aiken slash fiction writing contest. Anyone?

  12. Anonymous

    I think it would be better if it were a Clay Aiken/Slash fiction writing contest. They would make a pretty hot couple.

  13. Nicolars

    I’m game.

    Did anyone notice that the Clay web site could also be construed as “Clay Shaven”? Which is a whole ‘nother set of ick.

  14. Ned Raggett

    Well, kinda – the real point is that these are people with the worst gaydar in history. Or a need for some seriously twerky wish-fulfillment…

    If there is one thing slash fic is not about, it is reality.

  15. MJ

    Cupping breasts? Check. Giving penises a personality? Check. Sweeping tongue? Check. The third is the fake.

    It’s kind of ironic that the only one of those things I couldn’t buy from the Claymates was cheesy quoting of Clay’s lyrics.

  16. Ned Raggett

    “Clay Shaven”

    The anti-bear backlash begins.

  17. MJ

    When does the line blur between writer of “fan-fiction” and straight up stalker?

    Don’t worry, whoneedslight, we know where it is. And we chase the stalkers from our realm very quickly when they cross it.

    At least sane, adult fanfic writers do. I can’t speak for most Claymates.

  18. josh speed

    oh nooo, it seems to me we already ran out of every sort of ick there is.

  19. the rich girls are weeping

    Woah, wait. You just admitted in a pubic forum that you’re an adult fanfic writer? That’s brave.

  20. MJ

    No worries, I always wear my geekness on my sleeve.

  21. tempblindness

    Wait, does he have pubes?

  22. KurticusMaximus

    “But then Slash took off his hat, and his glorious jewfro cascaded down in all its splendor.

    Clay reached forward and took off Slash’s righteous shades, and as he gazed into Slash’s vaguely bloodshot eyes, he felt the floor fall out beneath him. And he knew that, that night, he would offer himself to Slash.

    *insert double entrende involving a velvet revolver*”

    I couldn’t resist the Clay/Slash suggestion. Now I regret it with all the regret a person can muster.

    If you’ll excuse me, I need to go vomit up everything I’ve ever eaten.

  23. ohHELLnaw

    Bonus points for anyone who uses the phrase, “Glistening red bushy pubes.”

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