8:02 p.m. Here we go, Grammy viewers! LL Cool J introducing Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Hudson, Florence Welch, Yolanda Adams and Martina McBride‘s tribute to Aretha Franklin.
8:03 p.m. Oh, and P.S. — Aretha Franklin is—AHEM!!— still alive.
8:07 p.m. So far the ladies are killing it. But anyone else finding it LOL-worthy seeing Xtina do backup while the other girls sing?
8:08 p.m. Florence is beautiful, talented and kind of on her own planet.
8:11 p.m. That’s right, ladies — you’d better be doing “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.” If they tackle “I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me),” we’ll start speaking in tongues!
8:14 p.m. The Queen Of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin, thanks Grammy, and looks amazing. AND, she promises to be there live next year. Let’s hope she brings back the “Obama Inauguration hat”!
8:20 p.m. BEST PERFORMANCE BY A POP DUO OR GROUP: “Hey Soul Sister (Live)” by Train.
8:23 p.m. Here we go — Ricky Martin introducing Lady Gaga, who’s lunging out of her alien pod to do her first live performance of iTunes #1 single “Born This Way.”
8:25 p.m. Gaga & Co. appear to be wearing body condoms. P.S. This song has completely grown on us like a fungus over the weekend.
8:27 p.m. Who thinks “Born This Way” is going to become the 1000th #1 single on the Hot 100 this coming Thursday?
8:33 p.m. Miranda Lambert is rockin’ some hot-ass heels for her performance of “The House That Built Me.” Oh, and her voice sounds nice, too.
8:38 p.m. Lenny Kravitz with a buzzcut (while introducing Muse) is throwing our entire universe into chaos!
8:41 p.m. We’re 41 minutes into the Grammy Awards, and only one award has been given out? And Muse is still playing “Uprising”??
8:49 p.m. Ryan Seacrest is introducing a joint performance by Bruno Mars, B.o.B and Janelle Monae. How the EFF WORD is Janelle the only one who hasn’t had a major hit in that trio?? Hopefully this gig changes that…
8:51 p.m. Bruno and Janelle are competing for most sky-high bangs!
8:53 p.m. Rad ’60s-soul-esque performance of “Grenade” by Bruno Mars. The song was already #1 on the Hot 100 for 4 weeks, so thankfully he switched up the arrangement.
8:55 p.m. Janelle just stole The Grammys (so far), the way Florence stole the MTV VMAs last fall!
8:58 p.m. About time! Another award. BEST FEMALE COUNTRY VOCAL: “The House That Built Me” by Miranda Lambert
9:06 p.m. Eva Longoria is introducing Justin Bieber. Wonder if that little horndog pinched her ass yet backstage? BTW, props to the Bieb for Never Say Never grossing $30 mill opening weekend.
9:07 p.m. The Biebz brought out a ninja marching band!
9:09 p.m. Oh, Bieb—”Never Say Never” just ain’t the same without Jaden. Ooooops! Spoke too soon — there’s the Fresh Prince heir!
9:11 p.m. Usher = O-o-o-o! O-o-o-o! Auto-o-o-o! Tune!
9:13 p.m. Well, Paramore‘s in the house, minus the recently-departed Farro bros. The band is introducing Best Rock Album.
9:15 p.m. BEST ROCK ALBUM: The Resistance by Muse.
9:22 p.m. BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM: The Fame Monster by Lady Gaga. Woo Hoo! She gave presenter Donnie Wahlberg a big hug when accepting. Remember she opened for NKOTB on tour in 2008?
9:26 p.m. David Letterman introduces Mumford & Sons with a Top 10 list that was not nearly as funny as watching M&S collectively bounce up and down while performing.
9:29 p.m. Question of the night: did Bob Dylan gargle with Ajax backstage before his performance with Mumford and the Avett Brothers, or was it thumbtacks?
9:33 p.m. Hey, I can vomit up a hairball on stage, too, if there’s a standing ovation involved.
9:41 p.m. Best Country Song winners Lady Antebellum paying tribute to Teddy Pendergrass — who sadly died last January — by singing the chorus of “If You Don’t Know Me By Now.” Wish they would have done the whole song.
9:45 p.m. No surprise here… BEST COUNTRY ALBUM: Need You Now by Lady Antebellum, who are giving major props to their producer Paul Worley (on stage with them).
9:47 p.m. HOLY SHHHHHH!!! Cee Lo and the spacy Jim Henson puppets have the best set/costumes/overall swag ever!!!
9:49 p.m. Gwyneth is pretty dressed-down in a black catsuit compared to Cee Lo‘s galactic peacock drag.
9: 50 p.m. Cee Lo and Gwyneth stole the night so far! BTW, “Fuck You” won Best Urban/Alternative Performance earlier during the pre-telecast. It’s also up for Song and Record Of The Year.
9:57 p.m. Uh, oh. Katy Perry is singing…live.
10:00 p.m. Super close-up on Nicole Kidman singing along to “Teenage Dream” in the audience. She probably sounded better than Katy.
10:02 p.m. John Mayer, Norah Jones and Keith Urban doing Dolly‘s “Jolene.” Odd combo, flawless performance!
10:05 p.m. SONG OF THE YEAR: “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum
10:12 p.m. Time for “Love The Way You Lie” performance. Rihanna looks beautiful, even though she’s apparently got four different ripped dresses on.
10:15 p.m. Wanna bet whether Eminem pops a vein in his neck or forehead first?
10:16 p.m. We just witnessed Skylar Grey‘s first televised performance, doing the chorus to Dr. Dre & Em‘s “I Need A Doctor.”
10:18 p.m. Not only is Dre back, he said “ass crack” on live TV.
10:21 p.m. BEST NEW ARTIST: Esperanza Spalding
10:32 p.m. In Memoriam time. Big ups to Lena Horne, Alex Chilton, Solomon Burke, Teena Marie, Malcolm McLaren and Eddie Fisher.
10:37 p.m. Mick Jagger doing tribute performance for Solomon Burke. The man has more energy at 67 than we do at, er, 21.
10:40 p.m. Mick Jagger—now that is how you perform at the Grammys. Well, that and Cee Lo.
10:46 p.m. Kris Kristofferson (tipsy?) introducing his A Star Is Born co-star Barbra Streisand, and Babs is doing “Evergreen”—while wearing a very Stevie Nicks-esque dress.
10:51 p.m. Nicki Minaj‘s hair alone is taller than her Best Rap Album co-presenter will.i.am.
10:53 p.m. BEST RAP ALBUM: Recovery, Eminem
10:59 p.m. Diddy looked/sounded properly smashed while introducing Rihanna and Drake. P.S. “What’s My Name”? Still not sick of this jam!
11:00 p.m. FYI, Rihanna won Best Dance Recording earlier today during the pre-telecast, for “Only Girl (In The World).”
11:02 p.m. How cute — Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony tried to be funny while introducing Record Of The Year nominees.
11:05 p.m. RECORD OF THE YEAR: “Need You Now” by Lady Antebellum. Dammit! We had our predictions for Record and Song Of The Year switched. We seriously have to stop drinking on the job.
11:14 p.m. And speaking of getting crocked, the strobe effects during Arcade Fire‘s performance are going to give me a seizure. Wouldn’t it be great if Nicki Minaj threw her wig on stage in front of those cyclists and yelled, “SPEED BUMP”?
11:22 p.m. Babs and Kris are back to introduce Album Of The Year. Who’s it going to be?
11:24 p.m. WOW. Major upset. ALBUM OF THE YEAR: The Suburbs, Arcade Fire. Now Eminem has every right to look angry.
11:31 p.m. A lot to process! Thanks so much for hanging out during the 53rd Grammy Awards with us! Be sure to check out all the performances here, and our galleries of Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga and Hayley Williams on the red carpet.