:: Okay, the black carpet pre-show is underway, and Lady Gaga just won the first official VMA of the night, for “Born This Way”: Best Video With A Message.
:: Nicki Minaj just made her grand entrance with a pink and yellow wig, an ice cream cone necklace on and what looks like one of those face-huggers from Alien wrapped around her mouth.
:: Jim Cantiello didn’t seem to like Tyler, The Creator simulating oral sex with a microphone and, uh, Jim’s mouth while he was talking. He just made a quip about expecting a homophobic comment from Tyler later about the fact that the rapper topped Bruno Mars in MTV’s Twitter popularity chart.
:: Oh, good — MTV is doing a “Jersey Shore package,” where the cast sings/comments on the Video Music Awards nominees. A shame they weren’t canoeing in the Atlantic when Irene hit, no?
:: LMFAO just made their grand entrance, and they only seem half-high. Fret not, though, party rockers — the night is young.
:: Beyonce is pregnant!!!!! Or something. MTV Video Music Awards just tweeted, “OMG Beyonce just made a huge announcement on the #vma carpet! #baby!!!!!”
:: Selena Gomez just interviewed her idol Britney Spears, and Brit, along with the rest of the planet, is excited to see Adele perform tonight.
:: The actual show has begun! Jo Calderone is on stage rambling. Where the hell is Lady Gaga, though? Oh, wait…
:: Okay, let’s take a moment to ponder — has anyone ever seen Jo Calderone and Billie Joe Armstrong in a room at the same time?
:: We’re just gonna say it — Britney looked slightly turned on when Jo was out there ranting.
:: Queen‘s Brian May is jamming the “You And I” guitar solo while Gaga continues banging the keys and grabbing her imaginary Jo junk up front.
:: We say MTV gives Snooki and the gang the pink slip and drafts Jo Calderone for a one-(wo)man season of Jersey Shore.
:: Nicki Minaj and a slimmed-down Jonah Hill just presented Best Pop Video to… Britney Spears, for “Till The World Ends.” Oops!…We Got Our Prediction Wrong.
:: We’re back from a commercial break and I hear Otis Reddings “Tenderness,” which can only mean Jay-Z and Kanye West are about to take the stage. Can’t wait to see who their Italian man-drag alter egos are…!
:: Miley Cyrus is presenting Best Rock Video. The winners: Foo Fighters. for “Walk.” Wonder what Dave Grohl thinks of Miley’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” cover? You know what, don’t answer that…
:: Tyler, The Creator and Seth Rogen, Will Ferrell and Jack Black (as Beastie Boys “Of The Future”) presented Best Hip Hop Video to Nicki Minaj for “Super Bass.”
:: Best moment of the night (so far) = commercial for upcoming new eps of Beavis And Butt-head!!!!!!!
:: Demi Lovato and (former) Glee star Chord Overstreet presented Best Collaboration to Katy Perry and Kanye West for “E.T.”
:: Pitbull, Naya and Ne-Yo are performing their chart-topping jam “Give Me Everything,” and still there’s no sign of Lindsay Lohan in the audience.
:: It’s not just the booze I’m downing — Naya wasn’t really wearing any clothes, was she? That’s one way to get your name out there.
:: Katy Perry just gushed while presenting Adele‘s “Someone Like You” performance. Meanwhile, props to Adele for bring some class and emotion to the night.
:: Adele got a standing ovation, and truly had the performance of the night up to this point. Gonna just make a projection that no one’s going to top that.
:: Okay, the previous best moment of the night, the Beavis And Butt-head commercial, just got trumped by the new best moment of the night — the Beavis And Butt-head promo with Nicki Minaj. “Isn’t your name, like, Spanish for ‘threesome’?”
:: Kim Kardashian just announced Justin Bieber as winner of Best Male Video for “U Smile.”
:: Jo Calderone is back, and is announcing the Britney Spears Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award tribute: “I used to hang posters of her on my wall and touch myself while laying in bed.”
:: Wait — that was thoroughly confusing. Gaga as Calderone almost made out with Britney. Then Britney read a cue card to introduce Beyonce. Did Britney even make an official acceptance speech in that smoke-and-mirrors bit?!?
:: Beyonce is taking this damn shindig to CHURCH! Meanwhile, the fashion theme for tonight, ladies and gentlement: gender-bending.
:: We see you working the crowd, Jo Calderone — laughing it up with Kanye, schmoozing with Tony Bennett…
:: Selena Gomez and Taylor Lautner presented Best New Artist to Tyler, The Creator, who just hopped on stage with all of Odd Future.
:: Cloris Leachman is on stage cracking jokes about getting a booty call from Pauly D with the Jersey Shore broads. I don’t get paid enough to be missing True Blood for this, y’all.
:: Jo Calderone accepting Best Female Video for “Born This Way” on behalf of Lady Gaga, and giving props to the gays.
:: Russell Brand is on stage describing the first time he met Amy Winehouse and heard her “incredible, extraordinary voice.”
:: Tony Bennett now on stage talking about recording with Amy in London’s Abbey Road studios for his upcoming Duets II album: “Amy had the real gift.”
:: Bruno Mars is now singing the Mark Ronson/Amy Winehouse version of “Valerie.” Yep, this tribute has officially blown the one for Britney out of the water.
:: The moment of truth: Katie Holmes is on stage presenting the award for Video Of The Year to…
:: …Katy Perry, for “Firework”!
:: Show’s not over yet, though — Lil Wayne is on stage crooning his lovey-dovey jam “How To Love,” with the aid of heavy Auto Tune.
:: Uh, oh — Weezy‘s shirt is off and his pants are hanging low while he belts out “John.” And now the show is officially over. Thanks for reading along with our live blog, folks! Check back tomorrow for all our post-VMA dissection and the latest news about your favorite winners.