‘Scream Queens’ Recap: Dean Munsch Somehow Survives “Black Friday”

Despite the title of this penultimate episode of Scream Queens, “Black Friday” sees only a meager death — and it’s only that of a nameless police officer. This is particularly surprising, given that Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) is intentionally put in harm’s way not one, but three times during the episode, and manages to survive to see the sun rise on the following Small Business Saturday.

We begin with Chanel Oberlin AKA No. 1 (Emma Roberts) celebrating Black Friday as a day for buying crappy, cheap gifts for friends because, you know, she’s horrible. And a day after Thanksgiving, she’s already got a fake neon pink Christmas tree illuminating the living room because of course she does.

Dean Munsch consoles Zayday (Keke Palmer) on the couch about the shock of Gigi’s (Nasim Pedrad) roasted head from the cliffhanger of the last episode. The surviving Chanels head downstairs for doorbusting sales.

Dean Munsch doesn’t want to let them leave. In response, Chanel No. 1 points out that they all had ample opportunity to kill Gigi, so they’re all suspects. Munsch forbids her from leaving, but Chanel basically ignores her and they stomp off to go shopping.

In the police station, Grace (Skyler Samuels), her dad Wes (Oliver Hudson) and Pete (Diego Boneta) try to report Gigi’s murder but they find that Detective Chisholm (Jim Klock) was just fired, along with most of the town’s police force. Basically, they’re left to fend for themselves.

While shopping for crappy deals, the Chanels reveal that they bought No. 1 an actual Chanel purse. She has an Oprah-style “a-Ha!” moment of friendship and decides to return their generosity by buying them all matching pink Jeeps at the dealership across the street. But before they can leave, the mall shuts down and they find they’re locked inside with a Red Devil just outside the door holding a crossbow.

They run off screaming, down the escalator, only to find their predator waiting downstairs. They escape through the gate, save for No. 1, who stays to face the Red Devil. “I am Kappa president,” she resolutely says, believing the Red Devil to be Dean Munsch.

As the Red Devil approaches, No. 1 taunts the killer. Even when she’s shot in the arm, she keeps kicking and insulting, which I have to admire.

Just in nick of time, former security guard Denise (Niecy Nash) arrives to save No. 1. Turns out, Denise was promoted to the new chief of police and thinks Zayday’s the Red Devil. However, before they can catch the mystery killer, he/she shoots a cop and vanishes.

No. 1 still thinks it’s Dean Munsch and tells the girls as much when she returns to the house with a mink arm sling. She suggests they kill Dean Munsch. Zayday says it’s insane, but Grace agrees with No. 1 that Munsch is the killer. They both suggest they poison her.

Chad has called a meeting of the Dicky Dollar Scholars, which is attended just by Pete. Turns out, it’s actually a reading of Boone’s (Nick Jonas) will and he’s bequeathed a shoebox of lube to Pete. Pete denies being his lover, saying that Boone was his simply his journalistic source. However, Chad points out that Pete pledged the scholars and was rejected, so Chad thinks that Pete was disgruntled enough to be the killer.

In a twist, Chad then invites Pete to join the Dicky Dollar Scholars but Pete turns it down. This slight apparently calls for a duel, which Pete refuses. “You will get murdered, Pete Martinez!” Chad yells ominously as Pete leaves.

Dean Munsch meets with both No. 1 and Grace, under the guise of starting a feminist club with her as their leader. They hand Munsch a mason jar of poisoned apple cider, which she chugs down with surprisingly no ill effect on her health.

After the failed murder attempt, Grace paces nervously in her room, lamenting to Pete that they couldn’t kill Dean Munsch. They kiss, but Pete interrupts briefly to fill her in on the Dicky Dollar Scholars situation. He also confesses his love to Grace, but she’s not yet ready to reciprocate…though she might be after they kill Dean Munsch. Ha! I’m enjoying her newfound bloodlust. Pete isn’t as stoked as I am and leaves in a huff. #BlueBalls

Back in the living room with the other girls, Grace has had a change of heart and no longer wants to kill Dean Munsch. Then, all the Chanels vote her out of the house. Zayday doesn’t leave with her because she thinks No. 1 is right that Munsch is the killer. And with that, No. 1 announces, “I’ve got it.”

Grace pops into her dad’s apartment to find he’s been hanging out with Pete, researching Gigi. They found out she was admitted to the mental hospital as Jess Meyer after her sister committed suicide. This is why you should always Google who you’re dating before they get murdered, people. Turns out Gigi raised the babies to be killers to get revenge on Kappa house. After learning this news, Pete says he has all the info he needs and bolts.

Wes laments Gigi’s death and he and Grace bro out over liking Pete and then have an awkward birds and bees talk. The bottom line is that teen sex could possibly result in murderous serial killer twins — a poignant message for all of America’s precocious millennials.

Next, the Chanels have gathered at a cryosauna with Dean Munsch. She pops inside to presumably meet her icy death. Despite looking completely frosted after nearly half an hour, she remains inexplicably still alive. That Activia is no joke.

Pete packs up his dorm room and talks to a mystery person on the phone to say he feels guilty and is leaving campus, warning the person on the line, “Don’t you ever call me again,” before looking mournfully at his Red Devil costume hidden in his closet.

The Kappa girls brainstorm to try and figure out how Munsch could have survived. Hester (Lea Michele) suggests she’s their Rasputin, who finally drowned to death after multiple unsuccessful attempts were taken on his life by a group of conspirators.

The Chanels then receive smart phones to alert them when No. 1 is alone with Munsch, so they can drown her as a group. If it sounds clunky, good luck telling that to Samsung, who obviously campaigned for this ham-handed product placement. In the end, the girls don’t get the call because they’re busy arguing with a sales clerk when the call from No. 1 comes in.

No. 1 meets with Dean Munsch alone at the pool. Munsch is immediately suspicious of the chains No. 1 has brought, and after some conversation thick with subtext, Munsch slinks off — again, still very much alive and kicking. A scared yet annoyed No. 1 returns to the house to write an angry email to her disappointing Kappa sisters.

Grace knocks on Pete’s door to see him packed up and acting suspiciously. She suggests seductively that she could come with him wherever he’s going and tells him she wants to have sex with him — her first time ever. He says he’s not who she thinks he is, turning down her advances by blurting out, “I don’t want your first time to be with a murderer.”

And, as you may have guessed, this revelation effectively kills her lady boner. Get it? Kills.

Next week, we have a two-hour season finale to enjoy! Let’s see how they tie all this together…or don’t! Either way, I’ll be recapping it every bloody step of the way.